Haircuts — The difference between men and women

Women’s version:

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Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men’s version:

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Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

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Panda In A Bar

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a Panda! Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

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Top Ten Least Popular Stephen King Novels

Top Ten Least Popular Stephen King Novels

10. “The Man Who Died of Old Age”
9. “How Cujo Got His Groove Back”
8. “Here’s Another One I Cranked Out In An Afternoon”
7. “Vacuumstarter”
6. “The Scary Windowless Corridor Next To The Oval Office”
5. “The Guy Who Accidentally Put Expired Milk In His Coffee —
He Didn’t Drink It, But What If He Did?”
4. “The Scariest Part of This Book Is My Picture On The Back Cover”
3. “Inside the Kitchen At Your Local T.G.I. Friday’s”
2. “Hi I’m Your New Neighbor, Richard Simmons”
1. “Satan’s Independent Prosecutor”

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New Year’s Resolutions – 1996 Edition

New Year’s Resolutions.

I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven’t been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year. Following is my revised list of “New Year’s Resolutions – 1996 Edition”:

Resolution #1

1993: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.

1994: I will not leave Marge.

1995: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.

1996: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2

1993: I will stop looking at other women.

1994: I will not get involved with Wanda.

1995: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.

1996: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3

1993: I will not let my boss push me around.

1994: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.

1995: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.

1996: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4

1993: I will read at least 20 good books a year.

1994: I will read at least 10 books a year.

1995: I will read 5 books a year.

1996: I will finish Space.

Resolution #5

1993: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.

1994: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.

1995: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.

1996: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6

1993: I will get my weight down below 180.

1994: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

1995: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

1996: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7

1993: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.

1994: I will not touch the bottle before noon.

1995: I will not become a “problem drinker”.

1996: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8

1993: I will not spend my money frivolously.

1994: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.

1995: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.

1996: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.

Resolution #9

1993: I will see my dentist this year.

1994: I will have my cavities filled this year.

1995: I will have my root canal work done this year.

1996: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10

1993: I will go to church every Sunday.

1994: I will go to church as often as possible.

1995: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.

1996: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

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Buying Jesus a Drink

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?” The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, “Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God’s Boy down there?” The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.Jesus touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!”The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me! I’m drawing disability!”

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At the construction job

There’s this cathedral that’s still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a “cage elevator” inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these “cage elevators” is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be “called” to another floor. One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens: “Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!”

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Nut house

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.

The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.” “Wow, that’s wonderful.”

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, “What are you doing?” “I’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out”

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, “My God what are you doing?” The man replied: “I’m fucking nuts and I’m never getting out of here”

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Una monja se sube a

Una monja se sube a una micro totalmente llena. No hab�a ni un asiento. Al fondo de la micro hab�a un hippie al cual la monja le pide el asiento dici�ndole:

“Hijo �me podr�as dar el asiento, yo que soy representante de dios?”

La monja insiste tanto rato hasta que el hippie le da el asiento. El hippie tuvo que irse parado en la micro todo el rato hasta que llega a su paradero. Cuando sale por la puerta el chofer le dice:

“Te cag� la vieja…”

“S� pues… vieja de mierda.”

El chofer le dice, “Esta monja va todos los d�as al cementerio a rezar a las 12:00 de la noche y como t� eres hippie y tienes el pelo largo y barba, te disfrazas de jesus y la asustas.”

“Bueno, dice el hippie.”

A las 12:00 llega el hippie peinadito y v� a la monja rezando y aparece entre los arboles y dice:

“�Hola monja. Te tengo una misi�n!”

La monja asustada por ver a Jes�s le dice:

“�En que puedo servirle mi amo?”

“Te voy a culiar toda la noche…”

“�Jes�s?… Bueno ya… Nada m�s que sea por atr�s porque soy virgen…”

El hippie dice que est� bien y le empieza a dar como 2 horas. Ta…ta…ta…

Al final el hippie se desordena el pelo y le dice:

“Monja de mierda, te cagu�….ja ja ja….soy el hippie de la micro….ja ja ja.”

Y la monja dice:

“Ja ja ja !Y YO SOY EL CHOFER DE LA MICRO!”

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Flying Fruit

There are three guys on a plane, George Bush, Bill Clinton, and Saddam Hussein.

Bored, George Bush blurts out, “I want to see an apple fly,” so he throws one out the window and it flew.

A while later Bill Clinton says, “I want to see an orange fly,” so he throws one out the window and it flew.

A little while longer, Saddam Hussein says, “Well, I want to see a grenade fly,” so he throws one out the window and it flew.

The plane lands and the three guys are walking down a market street when they come across an old woman crying and rubbing her head.

“Whats the matter?” they ask her.

“I was sitting here tending to my shop when an apple flew from the sky and hit me on the head.”

A bit embarrassed, they continue walking down the street.

A while later they come across a man crying and cursing at the sky. “What’s the matter?” they ask him.

“I was sitting here minding my own buisness when an orange came out of the sky and hit me on the head.”

A bit concerned, they continue down the road until they come across a little boy laughing very hard.

“What’s so funny?” they ask the little boy.

The little boy leans in close and whispers, “I farted, and the house behind me blew up.”

Submitted by Mindy0206
Edited by yisman

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