The 25 Top Reasons Why Picard is Better than Kirk

25 When Picard marries a couple, he doesn’t lose the groom in battle.

24 Picard can speak in more languages than Kirk has ever heard.

23 Kirk was the first captain to see a Romulan, but Picard went to Romulus & kicked their butts.

22 Kirk never met an alien (female) he didn’t like. . .

21 Kirk bested an old, tired has-been called Apollo, while Picard has bested an omnipotent being several times.

20 Picard can be vulnerable with women.

19 Picard has better taste in recreation (who needs a local bar when you’ve got a holodeck).

18 Picard looks better as a detective than Kirk does as a gangster.

17 Picard got to crown the leader of the Klingon high council.

16 Picard saved the Federation from the space bugs.

15 Picard became a Borg.

14 Picard can quote Shakespeare & doesn’t need spectacles to read it.

13 Picard can fence.

12 Picard makes a better Romulan than Kirk does.

11 Picard is a wine connaisseur.

10 Picard punches Ferengi as well as Kirk ever punched the wimpy Klingons of the first series.

9 Picard never let a bald midget in a dwarf ship with a scary dummy fake him out for an entire episode.

8 Picard didn’t let some female with a loose screw take over his body & his ship while sticking him in her body.

7 Picard hasn’t EVER had to spend an entire episode ridding his ship of furry hairballs which reproduce.

6 Picard doesn’t lose as many red shirts.

5 Picard has killed Klingons in hand to hand combat on several different occasions.

4 Picard has broken the Prime Directive at least a dozen times.

3 Picard can swear in Klingon.

2 Kirk never climbed a turbo shaft with a foxy lady & got it on in the bowels of the ship.

1 Kirk never mind melded with a Vulcan to help the VULCAN with his self control.

Some favorite Redundancies

* added bonus

* exactly right

* closed fist

* future potential

* inner core

* money-back refund

* seeing the sights

* true fact

* revert back

* safe haven

* prior history

* young children

* time period

* sum total

* end result

* temper tantrum

* ferryboat

* free gift

* bare naked

* combined total

* unique individual

* potential hazard

* joint cooperation

* total abstinence

* subject matter

* honest truth

* join together

* general public

* harbinger of things to come

* new initiative

* audible gasp

* advance warning

* execution-style killing

* future plans

* gather together

* lag behind

* manual dexterity

* occasional irregularity

* outer rim

* plan ahead

* basic fundamentals

* first time ever

* personal friend

* shrug one’s shoulders

* bond together

* close proximity

* ATM machine (it stands for automatic teller MACHINE)

* PIN number (it stands for personal identification NUMBER)

* coequal

* common bond

* small minority

* serious crisis

* personal belongings

* security guard

* time clock

* foreign imports

* exact same

* continue on

* focus on

* convicted felon

* past experience

* consensus of opinion

* finished product

* schoolteacher

The Top 13 Signs You Watch Too Much TV

13> Your co-workers are obliviously to the fact that your ‘DayTimer’ is really a leather-bound TV Guide.12> You’re still trying to find a publisher for your book ‘C-Span for Dummies.’11> You have DSS, DVD, HBO, MTV, HDTV, MSNBC — and HSA (Huge Sofa Ass).10> To reduce ‘downtime’ — you got an *elective* colostomy. 9> Last night you dreamt Sally Struthers begged you to send money to buy rice for poor, starving Ally McBeal. 8> Your name: Nick Nickelodeon’s new channel: Nick for Nick 7> You write daily to the producers of ‘Bassmasters’ to urge them come out with movie version. 6> Your last comment to your most recent ex-wife: ‘Shhhhhhh! T.J. Hooker’s on.’ 5> You effortlessly crack walnuts with your clicker thumb. 4> Forget the dish, *you* have your own friggin’ satellite. 3> As surgeons painstakingly remove the petrified Cheetos embedded in your gargantuan ass cheeks, you spend the entire 7 hours staring dumbly at the EKG monitor. 2> Those 37 electrocutions still don’t deter you from watching cartoons in the shower. 1> The last time you *read* for enjoyment was when they subtitled Arnold the Pig on an episode of Green Acres.

The Top 20 Martha Stewart Household Tips for Dumb People

20> Quick-dry plaster + friggin’ cats that keep crapping on the rug = instant bookends!

19> Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If you’re really running late, bring the waffle iron into the shower with you!

18> Sex isn’t nearly as disgusting when you use a hand-knitted penis cozy.

17> To know when to change to the next square of toilet paper, label them with consecutive days of the week.

16> A simple turkey baster can also be used to remove those pesky beans lodged in your ear canal.

15> Don’t discard used toothpicks — simply glue on some belly button lint and you’ll never pay for Q-tips again.

14> A wreath of dirty underwear is great for repelling mosquitoes!

13> Freeze some urine in a Mrs. Butterworth’s bottle, then break the glass for an ice sculpture that’ll have your guests talking!

12> Nail bars of soap to the bottom of your shoes and hose down the kitchen floor and you’ve just created your own indoor Olympic skatin’ rink!

11> In a pinch, frozen water can substitute for ice.

10> BayWatch videos can help get those flabby forearms in shape.

9> Always buy two pairs of the same socks; that way, if you lose a sock, you have two replacements.

8> An activity as simple as counting will help to ensure that your “Top 5” list did not actually exceed five items.

7> Duct taping the baby to a ceiling fan after meals makes for a lively game of “Dodge the Chunks!”

6> Fill up those holes in the bathroom tile grout with Mother Nature’s own sealant: snot!

5> Adding sprigs of baby’s breath behind the ears of a loved one’s corpse is sure to lift everyone’s spirits during the funeral.

4> A dead dog makes an excellent door stop — for a while.

3> While the common method of flushing a dead fish down the toilet can be sad for the kids, putting the aquarium snail down the garbage disposal makes an interesting sound that can be enjoyed by all.

2> In the fall, you can sew leaves back onto your trees to delay the onset of winter.

1> With a Hefty 40-gallon trash can liner and cable tie-wrap, you’ll have grandma’s daily colostomy bags changes down to once a month.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

Ways to Tell if You’re Stuck in the 80’s

1. your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister

2. you relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the “Footloose” soundtrack

3. you think the Two Coreys are “totally awesome”

4. you’re still bitter that Wham! broke up

5. Punky Brewster is your hero

6. you type all of your term papers on a Commodore 64

7. you still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in your house like Webster’s

8. the only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man

9. you’re building your own Clockwork Smurf

10. your summer attire is Jellies and Jams

11. A-Ha’s “Take on Me” is still your favorite video

12. you consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous, much like Jem and the Holograms

13. you wonder why more people don’t wear high heels, Jordache jeans, and lacy ankle socks

14. you call all motorcycle cops “Ponch”

15. every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks

16. you’re still upset Madonna and Sean broke up

17. you know who Stinky Sullivan is

18. you work out with “Get in Shape Girl”

19. you want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up

20. you enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night

21. you know who Loverboy is

22. you think there should be a Kids Incorporated original cast reunion

23. you think of Janet Jackson as “that girl who used to date Willis”

24. you can sing the theme song to Small Wonder

25. every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell “Fame !”

26. you still have a shoe box full of Garbage Pail Kid cards

27. you write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill to make “Born in the USA” the national anthem

28. you still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine

29. you know it’s not “comma, comma, comma” it’s karma

30. you stay up nights wondering what Bastian’s mother’s name was in “The Neverending Story”

31. you have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak

32. you still practice your Care Bear Stare

33. you know that girls just wanna have fuh-un

34. you can name all The Wuzzles

35. you harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair

36. you can do the Safety Dance

37. in your spare time you are writing “The Breakfast Club 2”

38. you like to “connect the dots, la la la la!”

39. someone mentions Jennifer Beals and you don’t say “Who?”

40. your prized possession is a collection of “Return of the Jedi” Shrinky Dinks

41. you know whose number is 867-5309

42. you get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall’s career

43. you’re starting a write-in campaign to MTV to bring back Remote Control

44. you drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to

45. you consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the 20th century

46. you have a duck phone and ride around your house on a little train

47. you want to be one of the Solid Gold Dancers

48. you still watch things on Beta

49. you want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand

50. you know that “Weird Science” was a movie before a TV show

51. your favorite proverb is “some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on”

52. you always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your house

53. your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos

54. you saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany’s opening act

55. you liked Tom Hanks better when he was a crossdresser

56. you know which Hollywood Square Jim J Bullock was in

57. you practice getting in and out of your car through the windows

58. you have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts

59. you’re still wondering who really was the boss

60. you know what the “P” in “Alex P. Keaton” stands for

61. you keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you can take the physical challenge

62. you organize weekend tournaments of TV tag

63. you still drink New Coke 64. when you watch “Terminator 2” you wonder where Vincent is

65. you know ALF’s real name

66. you never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eye shadow and feathered bangs

67. you can name all of the Thundercats

68. you got a hankerin’ for a hunk of cheese

69. everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent

70. your musical inspiration is Sonny Mann

71. sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out

72. you’re planning a dream vacation to Mepos

73. you use your Speak and Spell to phone home

74. you know the original members of Menudo

75. sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love

76. when you’re stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost and are surprised when it doesn’t talk back

77. you remember when Vanessa sang Kareoke to “Locomotion”

78. you know that Mr. Steele functions best in an advisory capacity.

79. people are constantly gagging you with spoons

80. your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is “Walk Like an Egyptian”

81. the only thing you know about the Nazis is that they threw Indy to the snakes

82. you still use your hair crimper before going out on a hot date

83. you hatch plots to break Murdock out of VA hospital

84. you know which five people Serpentor’s DNA came from

85. you have “We Are the World” on 45

86. you’re still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik

87. you can feel St. Elmo’s fire burnin’ in you

88. you watch NYPD Blue thinking, “Well, they’re no Crockett and Tubbs, that’s for sure”

Top 40 Things to do While in an Elevator

40. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.39. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.38. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.37. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.36. Bring a chair along.35. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”34. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.33. Do Tai Chi exercises.32. Give religious tracts to each passenger.31. Meow occasionally.30. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.29. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.28. Play the harmonica.27. Say “Ding!” at each floor.26. Lean against the button panel.25. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.24. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.23. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other people “through” it.22. Start a sing-along.21. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”20. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.19. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.18. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.17. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”16. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.15. One word: Flatulence!14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, darn motion sickness!”13. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.12. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”10. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.9. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, blasted, all of you just shut UP!””8. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.7. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.6. Wear “x-ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.5. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting larger.”4. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”3. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”2. Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”1. Draw a little square on the floor and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”– Submitted by Kati 😛

Ways to be annoying in computer labs

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, “Oops, I forgot.”

The Top 15 MENSA Pick-Up Lines

The Top 15 MENSA Pick-Up Lines 15> ‘This is your brain. This is your brain on my naked thigh. Any questions?’ 14> ‘Towards what end does a substantially empathetic demoiselle such as yourself inhabit a locus such as this?’ 13> ‘What say we skip this nerd-fest and hit an all-night symposium on Euclidean Geometry?’ 12> ‘Perchance, would you be inclined to participate, at my domicile, sans apparel, in a modicum of copulation?’ 11> ‘It doesn’t take a genius to see how gorgeous you are, but if it did, I’d be overqualified.’ 10> ‘You’ll have to excuse me — Your presence excites me beyond all capacity for cognitive discourse.’ 9> ‘Vini, Vici, Va-va-voom!’ 8> ‘You must be tired, because you’ve been running quadratic equations through my mind all night.’ 7> ‘That tape on your glasses really sets off your eyes.’ 6> ‘According to Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be making love right now.’ 5> ‘If I were to mention to you that you have a bellus corpus, would you take umbrage?’ 4> ‘I bet your brain stem reaches almost down to your gluteus maximus.’ 3> ‘Ooohh, your IQ is 145? I like ’em dumb and strong!’ 2> ‘By visually measuring the wrinkles in the front of your pants, calculating your body mass based on your height and weight, and dividing that number by your waist size — I conclude that you have absolutely nothing in your pocket and are, in fact, glad to see me.’1> ‘Baby, I’ll have you barking like a *canis familiaris*.’

People born in 1982…

Just in case you weren’t feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mind set of this year’s incoming freshman.

Here is this year’s list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

There has been only one Pope.

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

They have never feared a nuclear war.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The expression (you sound like a broken record) means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control, let alone one with a cord.

They don’t know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the ‘Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up’ commercial.

Feeling old Yet? There’s more:

They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony.

Roller skating has always meant inline for them.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: ‘Where’s the beef?’, ‘I’d walk a mile for a Camel,’ or ‘De plane, de plane!’.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J.R. was.

The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.

McDonalds never came in styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.

The World’s 25 Shortest Books

:The World’s 25 Shortest Books:25. ‘Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money’ by Dennis Rodman24. ‘The Difference Between Reality and Dilbert’23. ‘The Book of Virtue’ by Bill Clinton22. ‘To All the Men I’ve Loved Before’ by Ellen21. ‘Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes’20. ‘Human Rights Advances in China’19. ‘My Plan to Find the Real Killers’ by O.J. Simpson18. ‘Al Gore: The Wild Years’17. ‘Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean’16. ‘America’s Most Popular Lawyers’15. ‘Career Opportunities for Art History Majors’14. ‘Detroit – A Travel Guide’13. ‘Beauty Tips’ by Roseanne12. ‘Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches’ (subtitled ‘The Power of Positive Thinking’)11. ‘UNIX Made Easy’10. ‘Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance and Fine Dining’ 9. ‘Everything Men Know About Women’ 8. ‘Everything Women Know About Men’ 7. ‘French Hospitality’ 6. ‘George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names’ 5. ‘How to Sustain a Musical Career’ by Art Garfunkel 4. ‘101 Spotted Owl Recipes’ by the U.S. EPA 3. ‘Dining in the Ring’ by Mike Tyson 2. ‘The Amish Phone Book’ 1. ‘The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion’