Husbands and Wives, Volume: 73,983,512

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny YoungmanThe best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. — Ann BancroftAny husband who says. ”My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. — Bill CosbyKeep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. –Benjamin FranklinMy wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. — Henny YoungmanMy wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney DangerfieldA good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton BerleI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — George BurnsWhat’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. — Cindy GarnerWhen women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. — Elaine BooslerI bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ”There was water in the carburetor.” I said, ”Where’s the car?” She said, ”In the lake.” — Henny YoungmanNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis DillerMy mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. — Rita RudnerThe secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny YoungmanPeople are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. — Erma Bombeck

Women’s and Men’s English

Woman’s English—————– Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry. We need = I want It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later! We need to talk = I need to complain. Sure . . . go ahead = I don’t want you to. I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper… Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like. I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes & find a good game on T.V. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = {Too late, you’re dead} Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep? I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.Men’s english—————– I’m hungry = I’m hungry. I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy. I’m tired = I’m tired. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex w/you. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex w/you. Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex w/you. May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex w/you. Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you. What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this. What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. I’m bored = Do you want to have sex? I love you = Let’s have sex now. I love you, too = Okay, I said it . . . we’d better have sex now! Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before. Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50.00 and it doesn’t look that much different! Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person so that you’d like to have sex with me. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin dress & let’s go home!!!

10 REASONS IT’S GREAT TO BE A GUY!

1) When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone
secretly hates you.
2) You can kill your own food.
3) The garage is all yours.
4) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
5) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
6) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
7) You never have to clean a toilet.
8) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
9) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
10 Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Adam and god

So God calls to Adam and says, “Adam, I have some good news and some bad news.
What do you want to hear first?”
Adam replies, “The good news�.
God answers, “Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain.”
Then Adam says, “OK, so what’s the bad news?”
And God says, “I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time�.

I was trying to tell you that I was coming

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished
building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself,
so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this
guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on
the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning
“need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand
saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood
and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started
yelling at this guy, “You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.”
The other guy replied, “I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming.”

“I was behind you in McDonald’s”

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5, 000 and
feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and
buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking,
but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35, ” was the reply.
“I’m actually 47, ” the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald’s for lunch and asks the order taker
the same question, to which the reply is, “I’d guess that you’re 29?”
“Nope, I am actually 47.” He’s starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young
there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants
and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact
age.”
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her
slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47, “
Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonald’s”.

Dogs vs. women part 1

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women – Part I

Dogs don’t cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are,
the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
Dogs don’t shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog’s parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

Three Cowboys

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.”

The second can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. “And I’m still here today.”

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Keeping track with soybeans

A woman was going through her husband’s desk rawer and discovered three
soybeans in an envelope containing 30 dollars cash. So him about it.
And the husband said, “Well, I have to confess. Over the years, I haven’t been
completely faithful to you. But every time I cheated, I put a soybean in the
drawer to remind myself.” � So where did the thirty dollars come from?” she
asked.
“Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I decided to sell.”