Hell Temperature

A Philadelphia man died and went to hell. To punish him the devil put him
in a room at 90 degrees and 90% humidity, gave him a sledge hammer and
left him to break rocks in misery. The devil returned to find the man
happily whistling while working away. So the devil increased the
temperature and humidity to 100 thinking this would work better. The devil
returned some time later to find that the man was still happily at work.
When the devil questioned the man he replied that these conditions
reminded him of working on the farm back home.

The devil thought for a moment and then set the temperature to 20
degrees with a 40 mile an hour wind and left the man knowing that this
would be torture for him. When the devil returned to check on the mans
progress he found that he was not only happy……he was ecstatic. He was
jumping up and down, swinging the hammer around his head and yelling
gleefully. “Now why are you so happy?” the devil asked. The man replied “a
cold day in hell! The Eagles must have won the Superbowl!”

Seven Iron

There was a golfer who was golfing and he was on the 9 hole. Now behind
the 9th hole is the club house where his wife happen to be sitting. He was
on the fairway about 150 yards away from the hole, so he asks his caddie
what club he should use. The caddie says the seven iron. The golfer takes
out his seven iron and hits the ball. The ball soars and misses the green
and hits and kills his wife. This golfer was ruined he was depressed and
hung up his clubs in the back of the garage.

Few months later the golfer meets a girl and later they get married. A
couple years after he gets married he goes golfing again. He happen to get
the same caddie and his new wife was sitting where his old one had. He
teed off and landed on the fairway about 150 yards awayt from the hole and
he asks his caddie what club he should use. His caddies says use the seven
iron. The golfer just blows up, “Do you remember what happened last time?
I was about here and you told me to use a seven iron, but I missed the
green entirely!”

Bad golf day

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf
with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.”

“We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the
cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail,
and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball….stuck right in the middle of
the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!'”

The Top 9 Items on Michael Jordan’s To-Do List

9. Finally roll and count that jar of loose change in the kitchen.

8. Call Kareem for advice on getting those plum movie roles.

7. Travel to the Middle East, buy the country which bears his name, and do some kick-ass landscaping.

6. Two words: Air Spice

5. Chase dream of becoming Olympic caliber women’s figure skater.

4. Strap a couple of championship trophies to the car and spend a day driving around Patrick Ewing’s house.

3. “Alright, Mr. Rubik… it’s just me and your cube… no distractions, no excuses.”

2. Forget “Be Like Mike” — start to enjoy Being Like Filthy Rich.

1. Report back to the home planet that he has successfully garnered the trust of all the humans and await final instructions.

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com ]

The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site

9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.

8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor’s office are named Ingrid or Sven.

7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.

6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn’t think the term “New York City Hospitality Committee” is an oxymoron.

5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.

4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: “My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition.”

3. “Miss Salt Lake” for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.

2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.

1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]

The Perfect Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking
down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed… driving
his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What the hell is taking so long? Hit
the damned ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want
to make this a perfect shot.”

“Give me a break! You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her
from here.”

Things You Hear On A Football Broadcast

Things You Hear On A Football Broadcast That Sound Dirty, But Aren’t

The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow.

It’s a game of inches.

That hole was so big,
you could drive a truck through it.

When you get down in this area,
you gotta just start pounding it.

He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.

He found his tight end.

End around.

He had to stretch to get it in.

He’s got great hands.

He blows them off (at the line).

He bangs it in.

He could go all the way.

He gets it off just in time.

He goes deep.

He found a hole and slid through it.

He pounds it in.

He beats them off (the line).

He gets penetration into the backfield.

Skiing Accident

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The “Tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn’t help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you don’t move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers.

“So, how’d you break your leg?” She asked, making small talk.

“It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift.”

“So how’d you break your arm?”