Old Sailor

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

“How am I doing?” He asks.
“Three knots,” she replies.
“Three knots? What’s that mean?”

“You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”

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Mechanical world

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. ”I’m afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him, ”but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.” Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, ”Manicures – 25 cents.” ”Why not?” thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, ”This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives – cost 50 cents.” The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his ”thing” into the opening – with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his ”thingy”… Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

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A girls first time

as you lie back your muscles tighten. you put him off for a while searching for an excuse but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. he asks you if you are afraid but you shake your head bravely. he has had more experience but it is the first time that his finger has found the right place. he probes deeply and you shiver. your body tenses but he is gentle like he promised he would be. he looks deeply into your eyes and tells you to trust him, he has done this many times before. his cool smile relaxes you. you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. you plead him to hurry, but he takes it slowly to cause you as little pain as possible.as he presses closer going deeper, you feel tissue give way. you feel a slight treakle of blood as he continues. he looks at you concerned and asks if it too painful. your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. he is now going in and out with skill but you are too numb to feel him within you. after a moment you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out, you lay panting glad to have it over with. he looks at you,smiling warmly, and tells you that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

you smile and thank your dentist… after all it was your first time having your tooth pulled out.

by sarah from newcastle

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Is That a Record

In the good old days of the golden oldies, most records were sold on the Decca
label.

Henry Buses had a hot hit titled, “Hot Lips.” A lady heard the record on the
radio and decided that she just had to have it. She looked up the number for the
record shop and called them.

Unfortunately, she misdialed and, instead of reaching the record store, she
got “Hank’s Auto Body.”

She said, “Do you have ‘Hot Lips’ on a ten-inch Decca?”

Hank, who had answered the phone himself, said, “Well, uh, ma’am, no, but I do
have hot nuts under a ten-inch pecker!”

A slight pause.

The lady said, “Is that a record?”

“I don’t know, ma’am, but it’s a damned good average.”

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An Affair

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.Inside the closet, the little boy says, ‘It sure is dark in here, isn’t it?’Yes it is,’ the man replies.’You wanna buy a baseball?’ the little boy asks.’No thanks,’ the man replies.’I think you do want to buy a baseball,’ the little boy says firmly.The man considers the position he is in for a moment. ‘Uh, I see. You’re right, I do want to buy the ball. How much?’Twenty-five dollars,’ the little extortionist replies.’TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!’ the man repeats incredulously, but then shakes his head and complies to protect his hidden position.The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places him in the closet with her little boy.’It sure is dark in here, isn’t it?’ the boy starts off.’Yes it is,’ replies the man.’Wanna buy a baseball glove?’ the little boy asks.’OK. How much this time?’ the hiding lover responds.’Fifty dollars,’ the boy replies and the transaction is completed.The next weekend, the little boy’s father says, ‘Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.”I can’t. I sold them,’ replies the little boy.’What did you get for them?’ asks the father, expecting to hear about lizards and candy and preparing a lecture about how valuable the baseball and glove were.’Seventy-five dollars,’ the little boy says.’SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness!’ The father hauls the child away.At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says ‘It sure is dark in here, isn’t it?”Don’t you start that shit again,’ says the priest.

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Nasty Q&A

Q. What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs? A. Nice tits!Q. Why do they call it PMS?A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. Q. What’s the difference between a muff-dive and a speed-trap? A. With a muff-dive you always have a clear view of the cunt!! Q. How do you know when you are getting old?A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts. Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?A. Because if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go and get fucked. Q. What’s the difference between a police car and a pair of knickers A. You can only fit one cunt in a pair of knickers.Q. What did Yul Brynner say to Freddy Mercury in heaven? A. So the fags got you too !!Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?A: When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin’. Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?A. Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself!! Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool A: Air pockets.Q: Why do blondes have more fun?A: They are easier to keep amused. Q: Which of the following doesn’t belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat but you just can’t beat a blowjob.Q. Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbiansA. The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it offQ: What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other? A: Gee, we really do taste like chicken.Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count A: Your date has to chew before she swallowsQ: What’s the difference between a Ritz Cracker and a Lesbian? A: A Ritz is a snack cracker, a Lesbian is a crack snacker.

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Hiding in the Closet

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“I’m having a heart attack!” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year
old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your wardrobe
and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

”You bastard,” says the husband. “My wife is having a heart attack and you’re
running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”

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Life Down South

Salesman to boy answering the door…….”Hi, is your mother in?”

“Yes, said the boy, she’s out in the back yard screwing the goat.”

“I don’t believe it,” said the salesman.

The boy says: “Come and see for yourself.”

So the salesman looked in the back yard, and sure enough, there was the goat screwing the mother.

The salesman said to the boy, “Isn’t she afraid she’ll get pregnant?”

The boy says… “N.-a-a-a-a-a-a-“

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The man of the house

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. ‘You don’t have to let your wife bully you,’ he said. ‘Go home and show her you’re the boss.’ The husband decided to take the doctor’s advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, ‘From now on you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?’ ‘I certainly do,’ said his wife calmly. ‘The undertaker.’

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