Manage your stress!

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air. No one knows your secret place. ou are in total seclusion from that hectic place called “the world”. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you’re holding under the water. There now…..feeling better???

Oxygen

The teacher asked kids to bring something belonging to their grandparents to
the school.
– Masha, a cap? Very good.
– Grisha, a badge? Great!
– Vovochka, an oxygen pillow? Did your grandma allow you to take it? What did
she say?
– She said: “Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…”

College Majors

Suppose you have a professor hold up two apples and asks a class “How many objects am I holding?” you would probably get different responses from different majors like….
Business: Two Juicy, delious apples that are on sale at my store.

Chemistry: 6×10^30 apple molecules

History: You are holding dinosaur poop

Music: You are holding two objects that if you drop them you will get a D4

Education: Two Apples

Accounting: You are holding one apple because the other one has to go to the government as tax

Psycology: What objects?

Math: You are holding two sets of objects, that take up a finite amount of space called apples.

English: You are holding two lush pieces of fruit, that are nourishing and remind me of my dog Fido. Fido thy sweet fruit. So nourshing in my time of need, you fill me up with……

Art: Two apples (Ha, Ha…Thank goodness for photoshop. The perfect oportunity to take a picture of the professor and alter the picture so that I have a blackmail photo).

Computer Science: Two apples (I’ll take the art major’s picture and post it on my website for all to see, and add links so that people could find similar pictures(and I make $)).

The morning after

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a
pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall
the events of  the preceding evening.  After a trip to the
bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where  his wife put some
coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it
as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a
complete ass of  yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors and  you  insulted the president of
the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an idiot,” Bob said. “Piss on him!”  “You did,” came the
reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said Bob. “I did. You’re back at work on
Monday.”

A College Christmas

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
would loosen up their thinking.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn’t study.
“Some pizza might help,”
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I’d nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She started to bellow:
“What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?”
“On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year’s Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!”
Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.
“Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test.”

Where is the car?

“Where’s the car?” asked Professor Delbert’s wife when he got home.

“Did I take it out?”

“Yes, you drove it to school this morning.”

“I suppose you’re right, my dear. I remember now that after I got out, I
turned to thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where he’d gone.”

Bad Timing

A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each member of his staff as a New Years gift, was so alarmed when all 50 of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post, a newspaper said Thursday.

The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the accident happened, the Fakty daily reported.

“With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly burst out screeching.

The businessman’s fright was such that he simply let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a lamp post.”

After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read:
“Congratulations on a successful purchase!”