PUNISHMENT TO FIT THE CRIME

One day mom was cleaning junior´┐Żs room and in the closet she found a bondage
S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, “Well what should we do about this?”
Dad looked at her and said, “Well, I don’t think you should spank him.”

Who Wears the Pants

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat……

He says “Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here – try these on.”

So, she did and said, “These are too big, I can’t wear them”.

I replied, “…exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems.”

“Hmmm,” says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, “Here try these on.”

So she does and says, “these are too large, they don’t fit me.”

Jack says, “…exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don’t want you to ever forget that.”

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, “Here, you try on mine.”

So he does and says, “I can’t get into your pants.”

So Jill says, “…exactly. And if you don’t change your smartass attitude, you never will.”

Honeymoon

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide.

One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

“Yes, but you know how I love to fish…”

“But aren’t you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?”

“Yes, but she’s got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish.”

A few hours later, “I understand, but that’s not the only way to have sex.”

“I know, but she’s got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish…”

The following day, “Sure, but that’s still not the only way to have sex.”

“Yeah, but she’s got pyorrhea and you know how I love to fish…”

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, “I guess I’m not sure why you’d marry someone with health problems like that.”

“It’s ’cause she’s also got worms; and you know I just love to fish…”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

Surgery

An old Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery.

He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to be put under anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t
go well, if something happens to me … Your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife….”

Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by yisman

Buying Condoms At The Pharmacy

One day, a man went to a pharmacy. He told the pharmacist, “I
want a three-pack of condoms. I’m going to my girlfriend’s house
tonight to have dinner with her parents, and I think tonight may
be the night.” He bought the condoms and left. When he arrived
at his girlfriend’s house, her parents asked him to say grace.
He says an unusually long grace. His Girlfiren leans over and
says, “I didn’t know you were so religious.” He says, “I didn’t
know your father was a pharmacist.”

Redemption

A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked, “Will you buy booze?” The bum said, “No.”

The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?” The bum said, “No.”

Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

What’s her name?

A guy was invited to an old friends’ home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy,
“I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.”

His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

I’m Moving Out!

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,”What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!”

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going, he replies…
“I’m going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!”

Locker room

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising.

Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

“Hello?”

“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

“Yes.”

“Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

“What’s the price?”

“Only $1,500.00.”

“Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much … “

“Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2006 models. I saw one I really liked.

I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year … “

“What price did he quote you?”

“Only $60,000 … “

“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

“Great! But before we hang up, something else … “

“What?”

“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property … “

“How much are they asking?”

“Only $650,000 – a magnificent price … and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover … “

“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000. OK?”

“OK, sweetie … Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”

“Bye … I do too … “

The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present, “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?