Quotes from Mark Twain

“They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy, foreigners always spell
better than they pronounce.”

“CLASSIC, a book which people praise and do not read.”

“In Boston they ask, ‘How much does he know?’ In New York, ‘How much is he
worth?’ In Philadelphia, ‘Who were his parents?'”

“Put all your eggs in the one basket and WATCH THAT BASKET”

Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist. 3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce. 4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care. 6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 8. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant. 9. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.11. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.13. No, my powers can only be used for good.14. How about never? Is never good for you?15. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.16. You sound reasonable . Time to up my medication.17. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.18. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message .19. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.21. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!22. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.25. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.26. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

More pearls of wisdom

Quotes:1. Screwing up takes practice. I think I’m well rehearsed2. Life’s a bitch. Deal with it3. (Actual refrigerator magnet): Genitorturers homogenized my honor student4. Life is hard compared to what?!5. Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes6. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it7. He who thinks he can fly ends up with cracked skull8. He who goes to sleep with itchy butt wakes up with smelly fingers9. One of the top signs that Y2K hype has gone too far is that millions are converting to Judaism so the year is 576010. The Chinese calendar is 2000 years younger than the Jewish calendar. So that means the Jews had to go 2000 years without Chinese food.

A short list of ‘Never…’

A Short list of nevers:Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma BombeckNever say anything on the phone that you wouldn’t want your mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the ‘Mayflower Madam’Never say ‘Oops’ in the operating room. – Dr. Leo TroyNever comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me on this. -Tim AllenNever wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan ZevinNever kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -Harry S. TrumanNever hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -AnonymousNever thrust your sickle into another’s corn. -Publius SyrusNever drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff’s drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a chain gangNever invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. -G.K. ChestertonNever use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryerNever play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, ‘Look, it’s always gonna be me!’ -Rita RudnerNever murder a man when he’s busy committing suicide. -Woodrow WilsonNever hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. -Winston ChurchillNever stand between a dog and the hydrant. -John PeersNever take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. -Geraldo RiveraNever give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts. – Ruth GordonNever pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. -American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors.

Problem solving quotes

1. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.2. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?4. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.5. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.6. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn’t looking good either.7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, ‘Where the heck is the ceiling?!’12. My Reality Check bounced.13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.14. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, ‘cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Best Things Ever Said

~Sex is the most fun you can have without smiling.

~Sex is nobody’s business except for the three people involved.

~Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree,
shake your fist at the sky, and say, “Storms suck!”

~If homosexuality were normal God would have created Adam and Bruce.

~Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

~France is a country where the money falls apart and you can’t tear the
toilet paper.

~Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.

~Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mud slide.

~I hate people who keep dogs. They are the cowards that are afraid to bite
people themselves.

~Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.

Bo Hansson (Swedish Commentator)

“Dunga takes Baggio from behind…they know each othert since the time in
Fiorentina.” Bo Hansson WC-final 1994

“It took in the stomach…very far down in the stomach…it hurts very
much when the ball hits that far down in the stomach.” Bo Hansson about a
tennisplayer who has understood the meaning of ‘New Balls please’

“It doesn’t matter how the game ends as long as the standings doesn’t
change.” Bo Hansson

“Zubizareta gets the ball over the post!” Bo Hansson

“The runner is running incredible fast…and he falls!!!!!!Oh, excuse me,
it was a longjumper.” Bo Hansson, 400 hurdle final, EC 1982