A Farmer and His Daughters

A small town farmer had 3 daughters. Being a single father, he
tended to be somewhat over-protective of them. When gentlemen
came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them
with a shotgun to make sure that they knew who was boss.

One evening all of his daughters had plans. The doorbell rang,
the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A young
gentleman said, “Hi, I’m Joe. I’m here for Flo. We’re going to
the show – Is she ready to go?” The farmer frowned, but decided
to let them go.

The doorbell rang again a few minutes later, the farmer got his
shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said, “Hi, I’m
Eddie. I’m here for Betty, We’re gonna get spaghetti – Is she
ready?” The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

The doorbell rang again after a couple of minutes. The farmer
got his shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said,
“Hi, I’m Chuck…” And the farmer shot him.

Fuck for a Duck

Johnny turned 15 today and more then anything for his birthday
he wanted to get laid. His Dad had told him that he was getting
him something special. So Johnny ran downstairs opened up his
present and recieved a duck.

Rather bored he took his duck for a walk and went passing by a
whore house and decided to go in. After looking around a nice
young woman came down the stairs and escorted him to a room.
Johnny quickly told the lady he just turned 15 and all he got
was a duck and what he really wanted was to get laid. The young
lady took pity and told him she would fuck him for his new pet
duck. Johnny Agreed in a heartbeat.

After Johnny had sex with the woman she told him he was so good
that she would like him to fuck her again and she would give him
the duck back. He then agreed in a heartbeat.

After having sex he was walking his duck home and it gets hit by
a taxi cab. The driver feeling sorry gave him a buck and drove
off.

When Johnny got home his mom screamed where have you been?!?!?!
What have you been doing…??!?!?

Johnny simply replied, “Let see, I got a fuck for a duck…a
duck for a fuck…and a buck for a fucked up duck.”

Story of a happy dog

Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser’s owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser’s masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters’ faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown’s leg. Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man’s foul essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that …. a mime is a terrible thing to taste.

Bloopers – Part 3

More paraphrased slips from Kermit Schafer’s hilarious book
“Blunderful World of Bloopers”
_________________________________________________________________

Burn rubber: Ladies, our shoe store is featuring sneakers that
are ideal for street walking.

Figures don’t lie: The annual report of the committee states
that health conditions aren’t all they should be. The city’s
beaches have an appalling amount of litter and a check of the
municipal swimming pool revealed some startling figures.

That’s service: You will find many attractive features at a
Getaway Inn. Getaway Inns are equipped to perform many
functions. So when you’re thinking of having your next affair,
remember Getaway Inn!

Keeping score: A typical scene of a western movie was being
aired showing the good guys huddled around a burning covered
wagon shooting frantically at encircling Apaches. At this point,
the network superimposed over the action, the following football
scores: “Cowboys – 36, Indians – 6”

Promo or porno?: Stay tuned for Charles Dickens’ immortal
classic “A Sale of Two Titties”….er…..”A Tale of Two Cities.”

Give her the prize: Our next contestant works for a prominent
newspaper. She’s the switchblade operator for the Toledo
Board….I mean switchboard operator for the Toledo Blade.
Sorry, ma’am!

Good view: A woman was arrested after she was discovered running
nude through the streets of town. Police have decided to detain
her several days for observation.

Bumper crap: The farmers in the valley are pleased to announce
that this year there will be an abundance of apples. This is
particularly good news because most of the farmers haven’t had a
good crap in years.

What a sport: We’re here on the fifteenth green where the
golfers seem to be having trouble with the long putts. However,
they are having no trouble dropping their shorts.

How big?: Our first guest is one of the nation’s outstanding
experts on birds. In addition to several parrots, she boasts of
having the largest parateets in captivity.

Send him to the showers: It’s raining again and it appears just
a matter of minutes before the game is called because of the
weather. As the Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher stand on the mound,
you can barely see the P.P. on his muddy uniform.

Hellman mayonnaise

Most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate(“desperados”) at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as …Sinko de Mayo.

Diesel Fitter

Ole and Lars who worked together were both laid off, so off they were to
the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, “Panty stitcher.
I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.” The clerk looked up panty
stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a
week unemployment pay.

Lars was asked his occupation. “Diesel fitter,” he replied. Since diesel
fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave him $600 a week.

When Ole finds out he is furious. He stormed back to find out why Lars,
his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk
explained, “Panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled
labor.” “What skill?” yelled Ole. “I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it
and says, ‘Yep, diesel fitter.'”

What size is that?

One hot summer afternoon a woman is at the local public swimming
pool when she notices a man smoking a cigarette underwater.

She is astounded that such a thing can be so she asks him how he
does it.

“It’s easy.” He said. “I just use a condom.”

“Where can I get them?” The woman asked.

“Just go into any drugstore and ask for them.” The man tells her.

The next day she goes into her local drugstore and asks the
clerk for a condom.

“Any particular kind?” He asks.

“Yes,” she replied. “One that will fit a camel.”

The Pope on Camera

One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection. Perplexed, he called on his personal physician.’Doctor, this should not be possible,’ he said, ‘I’m the Pope, and I’m celibate! I haven’t had one of these for 30 years!’The doctor’s reply was, ‘Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time’.The Pope exclaimed ‘But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isn’t going away!’The doctor replied ‘You have two options… either I can administer an injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there and relieve yourself.’ Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option.Unbeknown to him, a paparazzi photographer had sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping away.The Pope immediately summoned his security guards, who arrested the photographer, and began to quite thoroughly and professionally beat him up. The photographer shouted out, ‘Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization! What has happened to your forgiveness?’His anger having passed, the pope agreed with the photographer, and relented, saying ‘Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on the film to be seen in the outside world.’ Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replied, ‘But this is how I make my living! If you take my camera, I’ll lose the money I could have sold the photographs for!’The Pope, feeling guilty, agreed. ‘Very well, we will compensate you. How about $100,000?’ Ecstatic, the paparazzi agreed, and was soon on his way. The Pope, in time, attended confession. Of course the whole story came out. For his penance, he was ordered to walk three times around St. Peter’s, with the offending camera around his neck.Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist who said: ‘Ah, so, very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope, ah, may I ask how much you pay for it?’Being the Pope, he cannot tell a lie, so he replied, ‘I must confess that I paid $100,000 for it.’ ‘Ah…. so….’ said the Japanese gentleman, ‘look like someone saw you coming!’

Drunken Bases in Symphony Performance

There was this big performance of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony. At
one point in this piece the bases have absolutely nothing to do
for pages and pages, and it so happened there was a little
tavern across the street from the concert hall. So, when they
began their endless rests they quietly put down their
instruments, and discreetly slipped out to get some drinks.

After a couple rounds one of the bases pointed out that perhaps
they should go back so they wouldn’t be late. Another base said,
“No, don’t worry. I took care of it! You see, I tied the end of
the conductors music together, so when he gets close to the end
he’ll have to slow the tempo way down while he tries to untie
it!” The others agree this is a good idea and order another
round.

After the next round they head back to the concert hall and the
conductor looks really angry! After all, it was the bottom of
the 9th, the score was tied, and the bases were loaded!