Well the other day I walked into a bakery and there were two doughnuts, a big one and a little one. I picked up the big donut and this women goes, “Hey don’t be greedy you shouldn’t have that big doughnut all to yourself!” So I replied “Well I’m at the front of the queue! Anyway which one would you have chosen?” The women said “The little one, of course!” And I answered: “So what are you moaning for, I left it for you!”
Q: How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison? A: Shoot one. Q: What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion? A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe. . Q: What do you call an oboist who is deaf? A: Principal. Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but he gyrates so much he’ll fall off the ladder. Q: What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Q: What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. Q: What’s the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? A: Gifted. Q: What’s the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? A: You can tune the lawnmower.Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? A: The out-of-tune tenor sax player! The other two are just hallucinations.Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a bari-sax? A: Add vibrato. Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? A: Put your hand in the bell and miss lots of notes. Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for leaks and alignment problems. Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post? A: A goal post that can’t march. Q: How many hornists does it take to play split lead? A: One.Q: What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road? A: Skid marks in front of the snake. Q: How can you tell a trombonist’s kids at a playground? A: They don’t know how to use the slide. Q: How many bass trombone players does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but he’s going to do it too loud. Q: How do you contact a baritone player? A: You-phone-`em. Q: What’s the range of a tuba? A: Twenty yards, if you’ve got a good arm. Q: What’s the difference between a 3/4 tuba and a 5/4 tuba? A: About five yards. Q: What’s a tuba for? A: 1 1/2″ X 3 1/2″. Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A: A drummerQ: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. (They have machines to do that now.) Q: How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door? A: He rushes. Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? A: Homeless. Q: What’s the difference between a drummer and government bonds? A: The bonds mature. Q: What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test? A: Drool. Q: What’s the definition of a quarter-tone? A: A harpist tuning unison strings. Q: Why are pianists’ fingers like lightening? A: They rarely strike the same spot twice. Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? A: The bow is moving. Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? A: Both are offensive AND inaccurate. Q: Why are violins smaller than violas? A: They’re really the same size. Violinists’ heads are larger.Q: What do you do if you’re short a violinist? A: Have a percussionist drag his fingernails across a chalkboard. Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Sit in the back and don’t play. Q: What do violists use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: How do you know if a viola section is at your front door? A: No one knows when to come in.Q: What’s the difference between a violist and a dog? A: The dog knows when to stop scratching. Q: What do a bad airplane mechanic and a violist have in common? A: Both screw up Boeings. Q: What’s the difference between a cello and a viola? A: The cello burns longer. Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell him which one.
Why do they bury lawyers twenty-six feet underground?
Because deep down they’re really nice guys.
What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
One day, a couple was walking along the beach and fighting. Then the man got mad and kicked a bottle. Out of it came a genie. The genie said “You each get 1 wish and because the man kicked the bottle, you get to make a second wish, but your wife gets the same thing as you wish for”. So the woman made her first wish. “I wish that I had 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars”. POOF!!! she got her money. then the man made his wish. “I wish for 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars”. POOF!!! he got his money. Finally, he had to make his wish for the both of them. He didn’t really like his wife so he had to make it bad for her. Hmmmm. he thought for a moment then he said. “I wish I can have sex with the prettiest woman non-stop for 50 years. POOF!!! He was in a bes, having sex with a lady – and so was his wife
Two men were hunting in the woods.One man tuned to the other and said “Wait here and if anything happens scream.”
As the man walked out of the woods he heard his friend scream.So he ran back as fast as he could.
When he got to his friend he asked him what was wrong. His friend answered “Well first a deer thretened to buck me, but I didn’t scream, then a bear thretened to claw mu face in, but I didn’t scream, then two chipmunks ran up my pants leg and asked ‘which nut shall we eat first?’ Then I screamed!”
A ship was travelling over a rough sea when all of a sudden a violent storm broke out.
The people on the boat were extremely scared of being thrown overboard so they all went downstairs. When the big waves started throwing the ship around there were still three people on deck who refused to go downstairs.
After a few hard knocks the ship was turned upside down and sank. The only survivors were the three guys who stayed on deck who washed up on a deserted island.
The next morning the guys decided that they would have to live together in harmony and they made an agreement to be friends.
Two days later after the three guys had built a shelter and found some fresh water and fruit, a bottle washed up on the shore. One of the guys walked up the beach and brought the bottle back to the shelter for the others to see.
Blaze, the smartest of the three said they should open it. Jay, the strongest of the three grabbed the bottle and pulled at the cork wedged tightly in the top, but couldn’t open it. So Blaze grabbed the cork as well and they pulled together, but it still wouldn’t budge.
Finally, Joel the weirdest, oldest guy grabbed hold of the cork and they all pulled together.
Suddenly the cork flew of into the air followed by a shroud of smoke. When the thick smoke began to clear, there stood a huge Genie. The Genie said, “I am the mighty Genie of the bottle and to thank you little humans for setting me free I will grant you each one wish.”
Blaze, the smartest of the three said straight away, “I want to be back home running my own University and every will see how smart I really am.”
Jay, The strongest of the three thought for a second and said, “I want to be back at home running the worlds largest gym and everyone will see how strong I really am.”
Joel, the weird old guy sat on the beach for a few hours thinking and eventually fell asleep. When he woke he saw the huge Genie and jumped to his feet with fright.
“Old foolish man I grow impatient, make your wish soon or suffer my wrath”, said the Genie.
The old man was scared, but angry at the Genie for talking to him so rudely and said “You shouldn’t talk to elderly folk like that! I wish my friends Blaze and Jay were here to kick your fat arse then you’d be sorry!”
Then with a puff of smoke the Genie was gone and then Blaze, Jay and Joel sat together in the sand.
There once was a fellow named Siegel
Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
But the mettlesome bitch
Turned and said with a twitch,
“It’s fun, but you know it’s illegal.”
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. “Whats with these guys”, says the
engineer “We must have been waiting for over 25 minutes!!”. “I don’t
know” answers the doctor, “but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!!”. “Hey,
here comes the greenskeeper. Lets have a word with him, and find out who
these guys are”. says the priest, who then turns around and says “Hi
George. Say George, what’s with that group ahead of us, they are rather
slow, aren’t they?” George: “Oh yes. Thats a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last
year. So we let them play anytime free of charge!
“That’s so sad” says the priest, “I’ll say a special prayer for them
“Good idea”, replies the doctor “And I am going to contact my
Opthalmologist buddy and ask him if there’s anything he can do for them.”
“That’s all well and good,” says the engineer, “but why can’t these
guys just play at night?”
MacGregor had a toothache and went to Dr. Friedman.
“What do you charge for extracting a tooth?” asked the Scotsman.
“Fifty dollars.” replied the dentist.
“Fifty dollars for only twenty seconds’ work?” exclaimed MacGregor.
“Well,” replied the dentist, “if you want, I could extract it very slowly.”
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!” When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
Editor’s note: No, it’s not true, so don’t go forwarding it to your boss at the car park.
A guy finds a magic lamp and a genie comes out.
He says I’ll give you three wishes but, your mother in law gets double of everything you get.
So first he wishes for 1 million dollars so his mother in law gets 2 million dollars. Then he wishes for 1,000 acers of beautiful land so his mother in law gets 2,000 acers of land. For my last wish I want you to beat me half to death. You know what happens.