It was the first day of school and a new student…

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said
“Give me Liberty, or give me Death?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
“Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth'”?

Again, no response except from Suzuki: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “F–k the Japanese.”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee I Acocca, 1982.”

At that point, a student in the back sighed, “I’m gonna puke.”

The teacher glares and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Suzuki says, “George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,

“Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, ” You little shit if you ever
say anything else I will have you killed.”

Suzuki is frantic and yells at the top of his voice,

“Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

The teacher fainted.

Revocation of Independence

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you  noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up “aluminium” . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.

2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for “shit”

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Tough Way to Get out of a Ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’ card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.

How the Bush Administration Changes a Light Bulb

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

The answer is 7.

(1) one to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced;

(2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb;

(3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb;

(4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

(5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a light bulb;

(6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag;

(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

The Top 15 Shots Fired During the Presidential Race

15> “A vote for Bush is a vote for at least four more years before a
Bush twins Playboy pictorial.”

14> “I understand why the senator is running for president. If I had
his wife, I’d run, too.”

13> “Say, have you seen the ads from the ‘Alabama Guardsmen for
Bush’ group?  Neither have I.”

12> “Of course he’s in favor of gay marriage — for Ralph, it
doubles his pool of potential mates.”

11> “My opponent likes to compare himself to President Reagan, but
actually, he’s more like Hoover.  Not the president — the vacuum.”

10> “Well *his* daughter couldn’t get a lesbian lover with a
six-pack of Coors and tickets to the WNBA finals.”

9> “Do the math: Both tall, both skinny — and Senator Kerry has
never been seen in public with Osama bin Laden.”

8> “Only someone who hates America could vote for a French-looking
peace protester married to an African-American woman whose children
were fathered by another man!”

7> “John is Theresa’s *58th* variety, if you know what I mean.”

6> “Do not be fooled by John Edwards’ famous smile.  One time,
in Tennessee, he used it to grin down a bear.”

5> “I can’t say for certain if the bulge was a transmitter, but when
we shook hands my fillings started playing Bachman-Turner Overdrive.”

4> “Hola, Hispanic citizens.  I warn you that if elected, Mr.
Kerry’s wife will require him to change the name of your biggest
holiday to Cinco de Ketchup.”

3> “How can we trust this man to defeat Osama bin Laden? He can’t
even take on Mr. Salty without getting knocked unconscious!”

2> “My flip-flopping opponent has assumed more positions in the last
two weeks than Martha Stewart.”

1> “Nearly 400 tons of explosives are missing from an Iraqi
ammunition dump that this administration failed to secure. We can’t
even trust our president to take a dump!”

            
[  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com 
]             
[   Copyright 2004 by Chris White    ]

Bill, Hillary and Chelsea

Bill, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton are on Air Force One.

Bill says to Hillary, “I could make a lot of people very happy if I threw 1 million $1 bills out of this plane.”

Hillary says, “Oh yeah, well I could make even more people happy if I threw 1 million $5 bills out of this plane.”

Chelsea says, “I could make the whole world happy if I threw you both out of this plane!”

AMERICA: Passing the Blame

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here’s a small list…

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she’s holding in her lap while driving,
she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors,
you blame the rock ‘n’ roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty,
you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I guess I’ll just never understand the world as it is anymore…
So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke – I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?