The old farmer

One day there was a old farmer and his wife and they owned a horse and a carrige. So one day they went out on the pasture to do some work,and there riding along and all of a sudden the horse stops and starts eating grass, the old farmer gets off and walks up to the horse and says “Thats one” so they start back on the path and the horse stops and starts bucking,so the old farmer gets off, walks up to the horse and says thats two,so he gets back on and there riding down the path a little farther and the horse just stands there, the old farmer gets off walks up to the horse and says thats three, so he hits the horse upside the head with the 2×4 kills the horse dead. The old farmer gets back in the carrige and his wife says, what the hell did you do that for, you know that was are only horse, the old farmer looks and his wife and says “Thats One”

Salvation

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had done.

“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily.”I’ve been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now,” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact,” said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil,” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

Blue Testicles

A week after their marriage, Phil and Jill (newlyweds) paid a visit to their doctor “I can’t figure it out doc, and I’m really worried,” said Phil.”My testicles are turning blue.””That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor.”Let me examine you.”The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, Phil’s testicles are blue. The doctor turns to Jill.”Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?””Yes, I am,” she replied.”And what kind of jelly are you using with it?”Grape.”

Un hombre estaba sentado en

Un hombre estaba sentado en un bar y observaba c�mo un individuo sosten�a una conversaci�n con su mano derecha.

Intrigado se le acerc� y le dijo: “Perdone, pero he visto que usted lleva bastante rato hablando solo. �Le pasa algo malo?”

“Lo que pasa es que estoy estrenando un implante electr�nico que me pusieron en la cabeza. Tengo un celular en mi mano, una computadora con televisi�n en mis ojos y otros adelantos de la era. Deme el tel�fono de su casa por favor.”

El hombre se lo dio y de pronto escuch� de la mano del individuo la voz de su mujer. Eso lo dej� sorprendido. La saluda y despu�s le dice al sujeto:

“Oiga eso est� buen�simo �c�mo puedo conseguir algo as�?”

“Muy f�cil, d�jeme ir a orinal y de regreso le doy los pormenores.”

Pasaron quince, veinte, treinta minutos y decidi� ir a buscarlo al ba�o. Se llev� tremendo susto al encontrarlo con ambas manos contra la pared, con los pantaloncillos abajo y con un rollo de papel higi�nico entre las nalgas.

Le pregunta asustado:

“�Qui�n lo asalto, por qu� no pidi� ayuda? �Quiere que llame a la polic�a?”

El individuo se volte� y le contest�:

“C�llese, !no ve que estoy recibiendo un fax!”

Cross Nuns

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windscreen.

“Quick, quick!!” shouts Sister Mary. “What shall I do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

“What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.

The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Mary.

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary opens the window and shouts: “GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!!”

Una se�ora ten�a ganas orinar

Una se�ora ten�a ganas orinar y, como no se aguantaba m�s, se pone tras una esquina a hacerlo. En eso, un hombre que pasa por all�, al ver a la mujer en sus quehaceres, para no interrumpirla espera a que �sta termine para pasar, cuando oye que se tira un pedo y le reclama:

“�Se�ora, pero que guarra es usted!”

“�Vosotros cuando me�is, no os la sacud�s? Pues yo me la soplo”.

Air Heads

Poor Jim is killed in a Boston automobile accident, but happily he goes to heaven where he gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.

“Sure. Go right ahead,” says the Almighty.

“OK,” Jim says, “Why did you make women so pretty?”

“So you would like them,” God replies.

“All right then,” Jim nods, “but come you made them so nice and soft and curvey?”

“So you would LOVE them,” God replies.

Jim ponders a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them such air heads?”

God replies, “So THEY would love YOU!”

80’s kids

You might be a child of the ’80s if…

You remember ‘Tiger, Tiger, Jellimeat for dinner.’

You remember the ‘Ma-na-ma-na’ song of the Muppets.

Twenty cents worth of mixed lollies could last you hours and 50 cents, well only older kids could afford that much.

You collected bottles to swap for lollies.

Popsicles were 20 cents.

You decided against rushing out and buying a CD player because you objected to the fact that you were being forced to change your collection.

Picture this… after your nightly bath, dressed in your poncho, ug boots or kung-fu shoes and leg warmers, you sit in a bean bag with your Milo, ready to watch Ready to Roll.

Summers were long and hot.

Mello Yello made you feel so good so fast.

Hey, hey, hey, it’s Fat Albert time.

You wondered how the Coke girls and boys got inside that big clear beach ball.

You remember the advent of AIDS and Ecstasy.

You remember spending the whole day at the beach with no sun block at all and what’s more, you didn’t get burnt – much.

You wore a leather band around your wrist and believed that any boy or girl that broke it, you had to sleep with.

Basketball was only played by Americans.

Sneakers in general were sneakers and not more advanced than your fridge.

Doctor Who scared you silly.

You remember the first space invaders. (Someone in your street had an Atari, right?)

You queued up to see The Village People Movie.

You felt a bit of a thing for Jeannie and Samantha… or better yet Tabitha, or for the girls in Maxwell Smart or Hogan (Hogan ‘s Heroes) who were adorable.

You saw Grease and ET at the movies.

The Mickey Mouse Club was soooooo cool -‘M I C etc.’

You hated missing an episode of M.A.S.H.

You had a $50 Walkman that had fat headphones and chewed tapes after the first three days.

Matchbox cars or Barbies were essential to your development.

You had cardboard dolls (or your sisters did) that came with books of paper clothes that you tore out and stuck on the doll.

The kid with the pool was your best friend… until someone got an in-ground pool.

The only place you could get a pizza was Pizza Hut and it was expensive.

You played dress-ups in your parents’ funky clothes that you would kill to get your hands on now.

Floppy disks were actually floppy.

You actually went through at least one pair of Jandals a year because you wore them so much.

You remember when the first people in your street got a video machine. It was top loading and there was no such thing as a remote control.

Beta vs VHS wars.

You remember a few years later they developed a remote control that was attached by a cord to the video. It was always too short to operate it from the lounge anyway.

Fags were called ‘fags’ and nobody batted an eyelid when eight-year-olds walked down the street with a lolly cigarette hanging out their mouth.

You knew Tommy Lee only for his musical abilities, not the ones shown in the video with Pammy Lee.

You weren’t old enough to go to Aliens.

‘Oh Mickey you’re so fine…’

‘I love rock ‘n’ roll, so put another dime in the jukebox baby…’

‘It’s the final countdown da na na na…’

Any or all of this rings a bell.