Blue Testicles

A week after their marriage, Phil and Jill (newlyweds) paid a visit to their doctor “I can’t figure it out doc, and I’m really worried,” said Phil.”My testicles are turning blue.””That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor.”Let me examine you.”The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, Phil’s testicles are blue. The doctor turns to Jill.”Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?””Yes, I am,” she replied.”And what kind of jelly are you using with it?”Grape.”

Un hombre estaba sentado en

Un hombre estaba sentado en un bar y observaba c�mo un individuo sosten�a una conversaci�n con su mano derecha.

Intrigado se le acerc� y le dijo: “Perdone, pero he visto que usted lleva bastante rato hablando solo. �Le pasa algo malo?”

“Lo que pasa es que estoy estrenando un implante electr�nico que me pusieron en la cabeza. Tengo un celular en mi mano, una computadora con televisi�n en mis ojos y otros adelantos de la era. Deme el tel�fono de su casa por favor.”

El hombre se lo dio y de pronto escuch� de la mano del individuo la voz de su mujer. Eso lo dej� sorprendido. La saluda y despu�s le dice al sujeto:

“Oiga eso est� buen�simo �c�mo puedo conseguir algo as�?”

“Muy f�cil, d�jeme ir a orinal y de regreso le doy los pormenores.”

Pasaron quince, veinte, treinta minutos y decidi� ir a buscarlo al ba�o. Se llev� tremendo susto al encontrarlo con ambas manos contra la pared, con los pantaloncillos abajo y con un rollo de papel higi�nico entre las nalgas.

Le pregunta asustado:

“�Qui�n lo asalto, por qu� no pidi� ayuda? �Quiere que llame a la polic�a?”

El individuo se volte� y le contest�:

“C�llese, !no ve que estoy recibiendo un fax!”

Cross Nuns

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windscreen.

“Quick, quick!!” shouts Sister Mary. “What shall I do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

“What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.

The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Mary.

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary opens the window and shouts: “GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!!”

Air Heads

Poor Jim is killed in a Boston automobile accident, but happily he goes to heaven where he gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.

“Sure. Go right ahead,” says the Almighty.

“OK,” Jim says, “Why did you make women so pretty?”

“So you would like them,” God replies.

“All right then,” Jim nods, “but come you made them so nice and soft and curvey?”

“So you would LOVE them,” God replies.

Jim ponders a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them such air heads?”

God replies, “So THEY would love YOU!”

Una se�ora ten�a ganas orinar

Una se�ora ten�a ganas orinar y, como no se aguantaba m�s, se pone tras una esquina a hacerlo. En eso, un hombre que pasa por all�, al ver a la mujer en sus quehaceres, para no interrumpirla espera a que �sta termine para pasar, cuando oye que se tira un pedo y le reclama:

“�Se�ora, pero que guarra es usted!”

“�Vosotros cuando me�is, no os la sacud�s? Pues yo me la soplo”.

The old farmer

One day there was a old farmer and his wife and they owned a horse and a carrige. So one day they went out on the pasture to do some work,and there riding along and all of a sudden the horse stops and starts eating grass, the old farmer gets off and walks up to the horse and says “Thats one” so they start back on the path and the horse stops and starts bucking,so the old farmer gets off, walks up to the horse and says thats two,so he gets back on and there riding down the path a little farther and the horse just stands there, the old farmer gets off walks up to the horse and says thats three, so he hits the horse upside the head with the 2×4 kills the horse dead. The old farmer gets back in the carrige and his wife says, what the hell did you do that for, you know that was are only horse, the old farmer looks and his wife and says “Thats One”

Salvation

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had done.

“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily.”I’ve been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now,” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact,” said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil,” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

Japanese Banking Disasters

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of
stopping. If anything, it’s getting worse.

Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing
that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its
branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a
song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500
back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is
something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw
deal.