Category: one liners

Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.

Q: Whats the difference between a crush, lust, and love?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling!

This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample.So the girl At the front desk says to him. ” Thank you for coming.”

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Well, aren’t we just a ray of f***ing sunshine?

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth?

Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

This isn’t an office; it’s hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.

Therapy is expensive; popping bubble-wrap is cheap. You choose.

I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

And your crybaby, whiny-arsed opinion would be…?

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Allow me to introduce myselves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Better living through denial.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

My philosophy of life is very simple:

When everything looks it’s darkest, it’s time to turn on the lights.

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!

GIRL : How soon?

Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis

Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

If all the world’s a stage,
I want more props!

What happend to the frog’s car?

It got toad away.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

What is a man’s idea of protected sex?

A padded headboard.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.