Diary of a New Snow Shoveler

Diary of a New Snow Shoveler

Decenber 8th 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9th
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12th
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man I’m glad he’s our neighbor

December 14th
Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I’ll certainly get back into shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15th
20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska after all..

December 16th
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel

Decenber 17th
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when she’s right. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re to busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying..

December 22nd
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt ’till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23rd
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she…nuts?> Why
didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s damn well lying.

December 24th
6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25th
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%%^&*(!-slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shove. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her

December 26th
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was ALL HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27th
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28th
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!!!

December 29th
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever hear. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30th
The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her Mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31st

Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shovelling.

Januare 8th
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.Why am I tied to the bed?????

Earlier this year, the dazed

Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out
of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.

Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
authorities questioned the sailors on their ship’s loss. To a man they
claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the
trawler amidships, shattering it’s hull and sinking the vessel within
minutes.

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its
cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a
Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane’s hold and hastily taken
off for home.

Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a
now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves,
they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of
Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

Single Black Female

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I’ll be waiting…

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy).

Christmas Punnies!

What do elves learn in school?
The ELF-abet.

How many reindeer does Santa have?
11 (named below):
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen,
Rudolph (the one with the red nose),
Olive (all of the other reigndeer)
and Al (Then Al the reigndeer loved him all).

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

What kind of bird can write?
A PEN-guin

Why does Santa’s sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long distance-runners on each side.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph-the red-nosed reindeer?
Beacuse every buck is dear to him.

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
We’ll have a “boo” Christmas without you.

ELF#1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF#2: “OKay everyone, sack time!”

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?
Missletoe!!!!!

Being Offensive At A Wedding

Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.

When the priest says his little “If anyone know any reason…” ditty, say, “Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!” or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see “Jesus Christ Superstar” with his mother on the night of your anniversary.

Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.

Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.

Pretend you’ve been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you’ve had his love child and he looks just like him.

Say you’ve had an affair with the bride if you’re female, and the groom if you’re male.

Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously.

Silly string! or, better yet…indoor frog baseball! “White Wedding” mysteriously piped into the church speaker system Maple syrup balloons. Or condoms. Cold oatmeal instead of rice or au gratin potatoes. Rigging the pulpit with firecrackers and other assorted pyrotechnics. Invitations sent to a really nasty biker gang. Sneaking into the groom’s underwear stash and rubbing everything with hot peppers. Drug the priest. Theatrical knives and stage blood. Fun. Flat tires.

Ever see that scene in “The Parent Trap” where the girls cut out the whole back of this other girl’s dress?

Use stage makeup to make yourself look *really* pale, and paint two little wound-marks on your neck. Act like a vampire.

Show up with a baby and claim it belongs to the newlyweds. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex-change operation.

Tell the bride that the only reason that you can look at her is because you used to be a proctologist.

Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate to a drug rehabilitation clinic.

As you move down on the receiving line, spit on each person. Ask the bride’s mother to give you oral sex. Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm. Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so nobody knows who they came from. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra…Throw your bra…”

Tell people that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

Tell the rabbi there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for shtupping the bride.

Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “Hung like a horse”. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

If there’s a hunchback at the Jewish wedding, tell him that he has to wear a yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.

When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing “The Lady is a Tramp”.

Some Boeing employees recently “liberated”

Some Boeing employees recently “liberated” a life raft from one of the
747s on the company’s production line. Later, they took it for a float
on the Stilliguamish river. Imagine their surprise when a Coast Guard
helicopter “rescued” them after homing in on the emergency locator beacon
that activated when the raft was inflated. Not surprisingly, they no
longer work at Boeing.

Festivity Levels

Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d’oeuvres.

Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly — sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing “I Gotta Be Me” around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d’oeuvres.

Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing “I can’t get no satisfaction,” gulping down other peoples’ drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d’oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d’oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4.

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill…

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled — leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?
Fifteen dollars.