Standing Still

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

“You simpleton!” the officer barked. “Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?”

“Yes sir,” the solder answered apologetically. “But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, “Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter’ —that did it!”

Wooden Airfield

An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has
been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German
“airfield,” constructed with meticulous care, was made almost
entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun
emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied
photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last
wooden plank. Early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed
the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a
large wooden bomb.

Speaking with the general

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”

Army Training

A son comes home from the Army. After a few hours, he finally
gets to talk to his father alone behind the barn.

“So, son, what did the Army teach you?” asked the father.

“Well, they taught me how to kill people,” said the son.

“With what?” asked father.

“We used all kinds of things, like guns and knives, but my
favorite was the grenade,” said the son.

“What’s a grenade?” asked the father.

“Well, I brought one home to show you. You just pull this pin
out and throw it as far as you can,” said the son. The son
proceeded to give a demonstration. Lo and behold, the son throws
the grenade on top of the outhouse.

KABOOM!!! The outhouse is demolished. All the lumber and
everything else lands in a heap in the yard. Grandpa sticks his
head out of the pile and says, “Whew, glad I didn’t let that one
loose in the house!”

Army Wisdom

A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.
Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.
Claymores are labeled “This side toward enemy” for a reason.
Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever, ever volunteer to do anything.

Don’t look conspicuous: it draws fire.
If it’s stupid but works, it really isn’t stupid.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.
If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Incoming fire has the right of way.

It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
The easy way is always mined.

The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you’re not ready for them.
b. When you’re ready for them.
Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
When in doubt empty the magazine.