A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The
kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it
between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps
into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight
into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts
choking, going blue in the face, and his dad starts panicking
and shouting for help.
A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive, but serious
woman in a navy blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in
the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the comotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on
the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her
unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman
carefully takes hold of the boy’s testicles and squeezes. Gently
at first. Nothing happened. Then she squeezed even more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the 25 cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand. Releasing the boy, the woman pockets the coin and walks
back to her seat in the coffee bar, without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting
ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts
effusively thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do
anything like that before–it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“Good heavens, no,” the woman replies. “I’m a divorce attorney.”
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.They went to the first Eskimo’s igloo, where he said “Watch this!” and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. “Not bad” said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.So they went to the second Eskimo’s igloo, and he said “Watch this!” and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.”Wow, that’s colder than mine!”said the first Eskimo.But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo’s igloo. He said “Watch this!” and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went “FFFAAAARRRRTTT”.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won’t ripen. There’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she’s getting tired of it.So she goes to her neighbor and says,”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”Her neighbor replies,”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”She says Well, what the heck it can’t hurt to try it.Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.”So-so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”
A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, “Sorry,
heaven’s crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you
can’t get in.”
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: “What was the name of the famous
ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” the teacher replied, “the Titanic.” So St. Peter let her
Next he turned to the petty thief. “How many people died on that ship?” St.
Peter asked. “Oooh, that’s tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500.” St.
Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.
He simply said to him: “Name them.”
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked ”How much is 2 plus 2?”
The housewife replies: ”Four!”
The accountant says: ”I think it’s either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.”
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, ”How much do you want it to be?”
What’s the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?A blonde let’s you leave the bed when you are satisfied – a redhead let’s you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.
Applying for a job, the new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be a problem.”No,” he replied. “I paid that back right after my first case.””Really,” said the interviewer.”What case was that?””Uh–well, my dad sued me for it and won.”
Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced.
“I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.”
“Sit down,” said the judge. “That is the prosecuting attorney.”
Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.
Saint Peter: “This fence needs some repair. I’ll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.”
Lucifer: “If you want it fixed, you pay for it.”
Saint Peter: “The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.”
Lucifer: “Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!”
What is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
The rooster clucks defiance.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An oxymoron.