Plane crash dilemma

there was a plane in the sky with 4 people on it. There was a pilot. a boy, a priest, and a genius.All of a sudden the pilot ran into the cockpit and yelled “we are crashing! grab a parachute!”They opened the storage compartment but only found 3 working parachutes.The pilot quickly grabbed one, put it on, and jumped out the door. the remaining three were trying to decide who should get the other 2.the genius said “well, i’m a genius, and i can contribute a lot to the world” so he grabbed one and ran out the door.Now only the priest and the boy were left. the priest turned to the boy and said ” boy, you are much younger than i. You should take the last parachute, save yourself””no” said the boy, “we can both be saved because the genius took my bookbag” ===== From Cara 🙂

Artificial Insemination

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”

Camping Trip

Sally, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. So, she got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie’s schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event – hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, “I can’t make the supper. I can’t light a fire with the matches you brought.” Sally replied, “I can’t understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left.”

Infant weight

At a pharmacy, Judi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant’s weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. ‘It won’t work,’ Judi countered. ‘I’m not the mother, I’m the aunt.’

A really stupid frog joke

A teacher had a 5-year-old come up to her and said that he found a frog. The teacher asked, “Is the frog alive or dead?”The student replied, “It’s dead.”The teacher then asked, “How do you know for sure?”The boy said, “I pissed in its ear.”Aghast, the teacher said, “You did what?”He said, “You know, I went to his ear and said, ‘PSST!’ and it didn’t move. So, it must be dead.”

Henry Charlie and George

Henry was placed againt the wall and just before the order to shoot was given,he yelled out “Earthquake!” The firing sqouad panicked.In confusion. Henry jumped over the wall and escaped Charlie was next, And while the squad reassembled , he ponderedwhat henry had done..Before they could shoot, he shouted, “Tornado!” again the sqouad scattered and Charlie slipped away to safety. Last in line was George. He tought, I see the pattern here.Just scream out a disaster and hope over the wall.As the firing squad raised their rifles and took aim George grinned smugly and yelled “FIRE!”

Open 24 hours

A woman walks into a 24 hour convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small notebooks?””Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?””Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”The manager shrugs, “Sorry.””Hmmph. How about Chapstick?” says the woman.”Nope. Don’t have that.””My God!” the woman shouts, “If you don’t have anything, you should close the stinking store!”The manager shrugs, “Don’t have the key.”

Wishes split three ways

There were three men stranded on an island. They had been there for a very long time, when one morning a magic lamp washed up on the shore. The men saw it and picked it up. The men rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared. After the genie rose up he granted the men one wish each. The first man thought about his wish and made it count. After thinking, the man finally said, “I wish I was back at home.” Then, poof, he disappeared. The second man thought about his wish also. Finally, the man said, “I wish I was at home with my family.” Then, poof, he vanished. The last wish went to the last man on the island. He looked around and felt very lonely. It took a while to think of a good wish and finally an idea came to him. The third man said, “I wish that my two best friends were back on this island with me.” Poof, the two other men appeared on the island again.

Survey Says…

These are actual answers given by contestants in the game show “Family Feud”

  • Name something a blind person might use – A sword
  • Name a song with moon in the title – Blue suede moon
  • Name a bird with a long neck – Naomi Campbell
  • Name an occupation where you need a torch – A burglar
  • Name a famous brother & sister – Bonnie & Clyde
  • Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers – A horse
  • Name something that floats in the bath – Water
  • Name something you wear on the beach – A deck chair
  • Something you do before going to bed – Sleep
  • Something you put on walls – Roofs
  • Name a famous bridge – The bridge over troubled waters
  • Something associated with the police – Pigs
  • A sign of the zodiac – April
  • Something slippery – A con man
  • Name an animal you might see at the zoo – A dog
  • A food that can be brown or white – Potato
  • Something with a hole in it – Window
  • A part of the body beginning with ‘N’ – Knee
  • Something you do in the bathroom – Decorate

Arthur C. Clarke was participating in a panel…

Arthur C. Clarke was participating in a panel discussion via the Internet as a
part of Cyberfest ’97. This was held at the University of Illinois at
Urbana, the “birthplace” of HAL.

At the conference, Clarke chose his preference for HAL’s first words:

“Good morning doctors. I have taken the liberty of removing Windows 95
from my hard drive”