Irish

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish
firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and
both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to
take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the
questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for
your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”

Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9
questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I
should get the job!”

Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers,
but on the question you missed.”

Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than
the other?”

Manager: “Simple. The American put down on question # 5, ‘I
don’t know.’ You put down ‘Neither do I.'”

An English-man, an Irish-man and a Scots-man

There was an English man, an Irish man and a scots man. They
found a dairy slice in a cave. the scots man goes into the cave
and a voice says whatever you do don’t eat the slice. so the
scots man runs out. The English man goes in and does the same
thing. the irish man goes in and eats the dairy slice. The voice
goes “i warned you once, i warned you twice, i wipped my bum on
that dairy slice!”

Irish Jokes

How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the door!

How do you sink an Irish submarine again?
Knock on the door and they will open the window and say “I’m not
falling for that one again”!

How do you know that an Irishman has been using Microsoft Word?
Eraser marks on the screen!

How do you know that an Irishman has been using the computer?
Cheese near to the mouse!

There was an Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman and they had a
dare to jump off a building to see if they survive. The English
and Scotsman jumped off and died. It took 2 weeks to clean up
the Scotsman and (as English are fatter than Scots) it took 4
weeks to clean the Englishman up. The Irishman jumped off, hit a
post and slid down to safety. It took 6 weeks to wipe the smile
off the Irishman’s face!

Irish Idiot

A priest and a Irish man are having a game of golf together. The
Irish man takes the biggest swing ever…………SMASH a huge
pile of dirt goes flying “OH JESUS CHRIST I F#@*!ING MISSED”
screamed the Irish man. “hey now you control your language” said
the priest in an angry tone. So they were up to the next hole
now. The Irish man took another almighty swing SWACK the dirt
goes flying. “OH F$#@ING HELL JESUS CHRIST I MISSED AGAIN”
screamed the Irish man “I’m telling you if you use that kind of
language again god will strike you with lightning” warned the
priest. The next hole now. The Irish man take another huge swing
SWUCK dirt again. “F$#@ING JESUS CHRIST I F$#@ING MISSED A
F$#@ING GAIN” SCREAMED the Irish man. SCREW PCRRRRR A HUGE
LIGHTNING BOLT STRUCK DOWN AND HIT THE PRIEST. From way up above
the Irish man heard “OH F$#@ING JESUS CHRIST I MISSED.

Irish Jokes

there’s an English man an irish man and a scottish bloke. they
all go into a bar, the irish man challenges the other to, to see
who can get their dog the furthest round the block with doing a
crap on the pavement. they agree.
The english man gets a 1/4 of the way round the scottish bloke
goes 1/2 way round and the irish man goes all the way round
twice.
suprised they ask him how he did it.
the irish bloke replies “me not silly me not dum me stick cork
up doggy bum”

how do you confuse an a irish man?
tell him to pee in the corner of a barrel.

the irish s.a.s were found camping out at battersea dogs home,
they had shot all the afgans.

a hot air balloon was stolen by the irish S.A.S it was last seen
bouncing off big ben.

Sandwhich?

One day, an English man, a Scott and an Irish man were working
on the top of a skyscraper, which was under construction. And as
they always do, at 1:30pm sharp, the hear the wistle for the
lunch hour, and get out their lunch boxes.

The English man sits next to the Scott and the Irish man and
opens his lunch box. He starts to complain, “Not again! I hate
it when i get peanut butter sandwiches!” The Scott then said,
“At least you didn’t get marmite on yours!” The Irish man
disgustingly remarks his lunch “Tuna! I hate tune, and I’m
allergic.” So the trio complain with themselves until the end of
the lunch hour, then get back to the work on the construction.

The next day at 1:30pm. The English man sadly says “Dammit! Not
again! Peanut butter, ugh! If i get peanut butter again I’ll
kill myself!” The Scott just as horrified, “God almighty, its
sick! I honestly hate marmite, I think i’ll join you if I get
this rubbish again!” he says to the English man. The Irish man
eager to quote hes lunch says “Mother of Earth! Not more tuna! I
hate the stuff. I just might join you two if I get the same
tomorrow!”

The next day, at 1:30pm. The English man opens his lunch box,
“OH MY GOD! That’s it, it’s peanut butter and i’m jumpin off!”
True to his word the sorry gimp jumped off the edge of the beam.
Now the Scott looks at the Irish man and says “do you really
think that I’m gonna live with this rubbish?! its marmite
again!” and without hesitation the poor flim head jumps afta the
English man. Now the Irish man, all alone thinks to himself,
“Please don’t be tuna,” and he opens his lunch box , low and
behold… tuna sandwiches. “On my mothers grave, why me!? It’s
tuna again!” and he thinks for a second and then the stupid
paddy jumps after the two before him.

At their funeral, the widows all gather together and talk about
what had happened. The English mans wife sobs to the others, “IF
only I knew he hated peabut butter sandwiches, i wish he would
ahve told me.” Now the Scotts wife upsettingly says, “I wish
that he had told me that he hated marmite, he never complained,
he was so kind.” Now the Irish mans wife was just standing with
the other widows, very confused, “I have no idea why my husband
killed himself? He knows he makes his own sandwiches!?”

Getting into Olympics

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman all went to the Olympics,
but they had forgot to order any tickets in advance. When they
got to the ticket office, the lady behind the desk told them
that there were no tickets left.

All three were devastated until the Englishman had an idea. He
walked over to a car and ripped out the hubcap. He then walked
over to the gate and said, “Hi, I’m here for the Discus.” “Ok,
go along there. The locker rooms are on your right,” replied the
official.

The Scotsman then walked over to a pole stuck in the ground. He
took it out and walked over to the same official and said, “Hi,
I’m here for the javelin.” “Ok, go along there. The locker rooms
are on your right.”

Not to be out done the Irishman walked over to a load of barbed
wire, and rapped himself up in it. He then walked over and said
to the official, “Hi, I’m Paddy and I’m here for the fencing.”

Flags

A Irishman went into a flag shop and asked for a green unionjack.

The guy behind the counter said, “A green unionjack what? We
don’t do green unionjacks you fool.”

The Irishman asked, “What colours do you do them in them?”

“Red white and blue, like everywhere else.” Replies the salesman.

The Irishman says, “I’ll have a blue one then.”

Never Trust a Corkman

This Irish guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Sinead, an
Irish student who is currently working behind the bar, takes his
order and notices his Irish accent. Over the course of the
night, they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night, he asks
her to sleep with him. Although she fancies him, she says no. He
then offers to pay her 100 quid for the deed. Sinead is
travelling the world, and because she is strapped for cash, she
agrees.

The next night, the same guy turns up, and after showing her
plenty of attention throughout the night, he asks her to sleep
with him again for 100 quid. She figures “in for a penny – in
for a pound,” and as it was fantastic the night before, she goes
home with him again.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into
the bar, but this night he just orders a beer and sits in the
corner. Sinead is disappointed, and figures that maybe she
should pay him more attention.

She goes over and sits beside him. She asks him where he’s from,
and he says, “Cork.” “Wow,” she says, “Me too! – what part?”
“Montenotte,” he says. “Jesus, that’s amazing,” she says, “Which
street?” To which he names the street. She is truly gobsmacked.
“This is uncanny,” she says, “what number?” “Number 20.” “You
are not going to believe this,” she says, “I’m from number 22!
My parents still live there!” “I know”, he says. “Your Da gave
my five hundred quid to give you!”

Haunted Bathroom

One day, an English man, a Scott and an Irish man were waiting
to go to the toilet. The first one to enter the bathroom was the
English man. He was just about to do his buisness when all of a
sudden he froze. He had heard a voice, a chilling, spinetingling
whisper. He then looked around and saw no body. By now he had
already lost concentration of where he was aiming for and wet
himself. But he was to scared to move. He then heard it again,
he heard it more clearly this time. It said “I’m going to rip
your legs off and eat you!”.
by this time the English man had ran and jumped out of the open
window and landed on the ground outside, dead! He had fallen 20
ft out of an apartment building.

Next the Scott couldn’t wait any longer and came in after the
Emglish man. But found nothing. He was ready to do his buisness
when he to heard a voice. He thought it was the English man in
one of the cubicles, but when he searched he found no-one. he
then countinued relieving himself until again he heard the
voice. He was now scared stiff as he could see no one and could
here some one. The voice was saying, “I’m going to rip off your
arms and your legs and eat you.” And with all the Scotts
wisdom… he jumped out the window.

Now the Irish man, as stupid as he may be, decided to
investigate what was going on. He went inside the door and
straight away he coudl feel a presence in the room with him. he
then began to search the bathroom from top till bottom until he
heard the voice. It said, “I’m going to rip off your arms, your
legs and your head, then i’m goin to eat you!” the Irish man
wasn’t scared abit. The next thing you know he looked in the
cupboard where all the medicines are kept to find a small child
eating gummy bears!

The S.A.S.

Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman
all apply to join the SAS and are called for interview.
Paddy the Englishman was first in to be greeted by two high
ranking officers.
“Paddy, we in the SAS are double-hard bastards”, said one.
“In order to join, you too must prove you are a double-hard
bastard”, said the other.
“We have organised a test. Through that door is your wife. On
the table beside where she is sitting is a revolver. Go in there
and shoot her”, said the first one, not telling him that the gun
only fires blanks!
Paddy the Englishman immediately breaks down sobbing stating
that he cannot do it and so he fails the test.
Paddy the Scotsman is next and is given the same instructions
but after 5 mins in the other room he comes back in and declares
his undying love for his wife and so he too fails.
Paddy the Irishman is given the task also. He slowly stands up
and enters the other room. The two officers wait expectantly and
then BANG
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. 6 shots fired and then silence. The
silence lasts for a couple of moments and then there is an
unmerciful scuffle. The place gets trashed. After 5 minutes the
door opens and out walks Paddy, clothes torn to shreds, blood
everywhere.
“Jaysus but that fuckin gun was useless. I had to beat the bitch
to death with the chair!”