1. You strike a match and light your nose. 2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. 3. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you. 4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 6. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!” 7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror. 14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
‘Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—
I said to myself, as I only can
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”
So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
“Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore—
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
Debug Windows ’95
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
Lay Faberge egg.
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “Holiday Scents” in case tires are shot out at the mall.
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
15. “Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street — A Times Square Christmas”
14. Spike Lee’s “Get On the Sleigh”
13. Van Damme IS “Santa Claude”
12. Michael Jackson stars in “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”
11. “The Deep II — A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted”
10. “There’s No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown”
9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in “Naked Buns II”
8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in “Grumpy Old Elves”
7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in “Reindeer Man” (“Of course, I’d be an excellent President.”)
6. “It’s a Wonderful Life, My Ass — Pass the Malt Liquor”
5. Steven Segal IS “MissleToe”
4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in “Ho, Ho, Ho!”
3. He’s got a red nose and an Uzi. And he’s about to teach them some “new” reindeer games in “Rudolph II — First Blood”
2. “Blazing Saddles 2 — How the Stench Stole Christmas”
1. “No, YOU Open It!” — ‘A Ted Kaczynski Christmas’
Top 10 Reasons Trick or Treating’s Better Than Sex
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 mins. & go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave u candy.
6. Person giving you candy doesn’t fantasize you’re someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no-one thinks you’re kinky.
3. Doesn’t matter if kids hear u moaning & groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
and the #1 reason trick or treating’s better than sex…
1. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door!
A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday. So he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note.
While wrapping up the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead.
Here is the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart: Darling, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you. Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart… I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they won’t shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss then during the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love, Hollingsworth
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when
the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’s raining,” he said to his
wife. “No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied. “No, I’m sure it
was just rain,” he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have
a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a
communist party official walking toward them.
“Let’s not argue about it,” the man said, “Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it’s officially raining or snowing.” As the official approached,
the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or
“It’s raining, of course,” he replied, and walked on. But the woman
insisted: “I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied:
“Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?A: We’ll have a boo Christmas without you.
Signs You Bought a Bad Christmas Tree
Two feet tall, forty feet wide
Salesman’s opening line: ”You’re not a cop, are you?”
It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers
While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
Each branch has ”Duraflame” printed on it.
Keeps heckling your lame top ten list
It’s very small and says ”air freshener” on it.
Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
Some guy named Mujibur puts a crappy Statue of Liberty on top of it
Constantly bragging about its ”trunk size”
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Hope you’all have a Tappy Thansgibing
10. Kid’s letter to north pole comes back stamped, “Dream on, Chester!”
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are Styrofoam peanuts
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of “Naughty” or “Nice”, Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, “Touch my beard and I’ll put the hurt on you.”
2. Labels on all your kid’s toys read “Straight from Craptown.”
1. Four words: “Off my lap, Tubby!”