Men Abuse

How do you get a man to do situps?

Glue the TV remote between his ankles…

What kind of clothes are there?

women: clean & dirty

Men: Clean,almost clean,sorta clean,not bad,dirty,really dirty,nasty, biohazzard. (Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification of these clothes).

Why do Black widow spiders kill there mates after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts..

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?

All he cared about was legs ,breasts and thighs…

How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?

At the circus the clowns don’t talk…

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?

Just when it’s getting interesting they are finished until next time…

What do men have in common with toilet bowls, aniversaries, and clitorises?

They miss them all.

What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

What’s the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

What’s the difference bewtween a man and a catfish?

One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?

I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can’t stand criticism.

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those “Believe it or not?” shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?

A man’s undivided attention.

How is a man like a snowstorm?

Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.

Did you hear about the banker who’s a great lover?

He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep from grazing.

Why do men name their penises?

Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

Because they already have boyfriends!

Did you hear the one about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?

He had it bronzed.

Ghy do men like masturbation?

It’s sex with someone they love.

What is gross stupidity?

144 men in one room.

Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it?

Wife: You wear briefs don’t you?

What’s the difference bewtween a porcupine and a Corvette?

The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?

Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man’s view of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

Differences between good girls and bad girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot.

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls wax their floors.

Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.

Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls wear white cotton panties.

Bad girls don’t wear any.

Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.

Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it.

Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush.

Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Goodgirls wear high heels to work.

Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.

Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.

Good girls prefer the missionary postition.

Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say ‘no’.

Bad girls say ‘when?’

What I want in a man!

What I want in a man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 32)
1. Nice looking – preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 42)
1. Not too ugly – bald head okay
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep while I’m talking
5. Doesn’t re-tell same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10.Remembers when…

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 72)
1. Breathing–

What gender is a computer?

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as “she”. One of the students raised their hand and asked – “What gender is a computer”?

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Gift for Eve

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

Superbowl

A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No,” he says, “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No, they’re all at her funeral.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Slip Of the Tongue

These two businessmen were chatting over a well earned drink in a New York bar one Friday evening.

‘God, I embarrassed myself last week’ says the first. ‘There I was in the railroad station trying to get to Pittsburgh. The ticket clerk had the biggest breasts I had ever seen outside of Playboy, and when she served me I said “Give me a ticket to TITS – BURGH”. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life”.

‘I know what you mean’ said his colleague. Only the other morning I was having breakfast with my wife, and when I meant to say “pass the butter”, what I actually said was “you miserable cow, you’ve completely f. . . cked up my life”. She’s still not speaking to me.

Salary increase

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary.

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $oh

Scroll down…. If you are curious on what was the response!

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Manager

Submitted by Sai1ram
Edited by Curtis