I Like the Way You Think

Johnny hated school and wanted to go home. The teacher said, “If
anyone can guess what is in this bag they will be able to go
home for the day”. She hints, “It is hard, round, and red.” One
of the girls raised her hand and replied, “It’s an apple.” The
teacher says, “No, Its a red pin cushion. But I like the way
your thinking.”

She holds up another bag and hints, “It’s round, hard, and
orange.” Another girl raised her hand and replied, “It’s an
orange”. The teacher replies, “No, it’s a orange pin cushion.
But I like the way your thinking.”

Johnny is getting mad because he wants to go home. Johnny says,
“I got one for you teacher. I’m reaching deep in my pocket. It’s
round, it’s hard, and its got a little head on the end of it.”
The teacher got nervouse about where Johny was going with this
and interrupted, “Johnny…” Johnny replies, “It’s a quarter
teacher, but I like the way you thinking.”

Commandment for Brothers and Sisters

One Sunday in church, the teacher asked her Sunday School class,
“Ok kids, what is the commandment for your mommies and daddies?”
One girl raised her hand and said, “Thou shall honor your mother
and father.”

“Good!” The teacher said, “What is the commandment for your
brothers and sisters?” Then one boy shot up and stated, “Thou
shall not kill.”

The Plus Sign

There was a little boy and he was failing math. He had never had
a good grade in it and on his last report card he had an F so
his parents decided to send him to a Catholic school.

The first day he came on walked through the kitchen got a class
of water and went to his room to study not saying a word to
either of his parents. The second day he did the same thing
again. This went on for about two months. He got his report card
and came home got a glass of water laid his report card on the
table and went to his room to study. His mom was starting to get
worried so she opened his report card and sure enough he had
achieved an A in Math.

She was very concerned as to why he could do it now but he
didn’t study when he was in regular school, so she went upstairs
to his room and ask him. “Son I see you got an A in Math. Was it
the discipline?” “No,” he said. “Was it the nuns?” “No,” he
said. “Well, what was it then?” she ask. The boy replied back,
“Well the first day I went to that school and saw that boy they
had nailed to the plus sign. . .I was gonna get an A.”

You Might Be a School Teacher iIf…

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium
salt lick.

2. You find humor in other people’s stupidity.

3. You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to
work 9 to 3:20 and have summers free.”

4. You believe chocolate is a food group.

5. You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.

6. You believe “Shallow Gene Pool” should have it’s own box on
the report card.

7. You have no life from August to June.

8. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone
says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”

9. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at
children you don’t know and correct their behavior.

10. Marking all A’s on report cards would make your life so much
simpler.

11. When you mention “Vegetables” you are not talking food
groups.

12. You think people should be required to get a government
permit before being allowed to reproduce.

13. You wonder how some parents ever managed to reproduce.

14. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

15. You encourage obnoxious parents to look into charter schools
or home schooling.

16. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without
having taught in the elementary setting for the last 10 years.

17. You can’t have children because there’s no name you could
give a child that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the
moment you heard it uttered.

18. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

19. Your personal life comes to an screeching halt at report
card time.

20. Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question,
“Why is this kid like this.”

Fake Test

Hey kiddies! Tired of doing your homework? then print this page
out, and whenever your folks walk by, pretend you’re doing your
homework! Have fun!

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck
wood with a a gas powered chainsaw?

Bill has 3 apples and a pear. Nancy has an orange and 2
coconuts. If Bill gives Nancy 1 apple in exchange for a coconut,
which one is toatally bananas?

Jessie is 10 years old. If he has watched Brady Bunch reruns
every night for 3 years, what percentage of his life has Jessie
wasted?

As I was going to St. Ives, i met a man with seven wives. each
wife had seven kids, each kid had seven puppies. determine how
much the man spends on kibbles each month.

if I add 10 pints of water to a 1 gallon pitcher, what was i
thinking?

Two motorists leave Detroit at the same time heading south on
the same route. Motorist A is going at 55 m.p.h. Motorist B is
going at 75 m.p.h., but stops at Burger World and eats 3 Fat Boy
Burgers for lunch. Using the Pythagorean Theorem, determine
which motorist has red hair.

Mr. Snufflewhitt was driving on the highway from Springfield to
Elmsburg. Along the way, he passed through 5 toolbooths. Each
tollbooth charged Mr. Snufflewhitt 75 cents. Using Elucidean
geometry, express the percent of tollbooth operators named
“Betty Lou.”

If you cut a pie into quarters, then cut each quarter into
thirds, then cut each third in half, what do you have? is it:
(A) gazillionths
(B) messy fingers
(C) crumbs

Biff has $1000 in the bank. If he takes out $900 for a new pair
of sneakers, he will have enough left over for:
(A) sneaker insurance
(B) shoelaces
(C) a head examination

A cheese pizza at Mel’s Trattoria costs $7.00. Mel charges an
additional 50 cents for each extra topping. if Emily orders a
pepperoni-sausage-artichoke-garlic-pineapple pizza how much will
it cost her? Is it:
(A) nothing-Mel refuses to make a pizza with pineapple, which he
thinks is disgusting
(B) depends on how big a tip she leaves
(C) $9.50, plus the cost of industrial-strength breath mints

Half Day

One day there was a class of kids at school. They were having a hard time
concentrating on the work because it was snowing so hard outside. They
were just waiting for that blessed announcement of the rest of the day off.

Suddenly, the intercom beeped and they heard the voice of their principal,
“Attention, students. Due to the weather conditions, we will only be
attending school a half of the day this morning.” After all the students’
cheers had stopped, the principal continued, “And we will be attending the
other half this afternoon.”

From the Movies (part 2)

Things You Learn From the Movies! (part 2)

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within
the price range of most people–whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to
cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.

5. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

6. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a
world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

7. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
down three days before their retirement.

8. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses,
pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks,
which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

9. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.

10. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
always say: Enter Password Now.

11. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
meet will know all the steps.

How to scare your roommate

1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give
them to him/her before he/she goes to class.

2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too
far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten
minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but
instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say,
“It’s not funny anymore.”

3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to
read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so
often how great the book is.

4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend
to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to “wipe out,”
and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning
until your roommate comes over to “rescue” you.

5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes
every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake
using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the
shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, “I was
curious.”

6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don’t plug the
toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily,
and complain that the toaster doesn’t know what it’s doing. If
your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about
fire-safety hazards.

7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you’re
going away to “find yourself.” Leave, and come back in about ten
minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you’re not a hard
man to find.

8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or
tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on
the phone.

9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a
glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and
immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a
glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of
dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does
so.

10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full
volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If
he/she asks about it, say, “Oh, that damn hypnotist….”

11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at
it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, “How nice
to see you again.”

12. Get a can of beans. Label them, “Jumping beans.” Eat them,
and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label
them, “Dancing beans.” Eat them, and then dance around the room.
Get another can of beans. Label them, “Kill Your Roommate
beans.” Eat them, smiling at your roommate.

13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and
then wake him/her up and say, “It’s time to go to bed now.”

14. Insist that your roommate recite the “Pledge Of Allegiance”
with you every morning.

15. Recite “Dr. Seuss” books, all the time. Eventually, think up
melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your
roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend
the day in bed.

16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate
doesn’t obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something
your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.

17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your
roommate inquires, tell him/her, “Don’t worry little buckaroo.
You’ll be safe with me.”

18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to “fix” them.

19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like,
“Roommate Dying in a Car Crash,” and “Roommate Getting Whacked
in the Head with a Shovel.” Comment often about how much you
love the paintings.

20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything.
Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say,
“Who’s that?” every time your roommate enters the room. When
you’re not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.

21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its
movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have
established a connection with the spirit world through the lava
lamp. Tell your roommate that “Grandma said hi.”

22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this
is your collection of “inert gases.” Look at them often. One
day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of
having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and
run out of the room.

23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.

24. Roller-skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see
your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down.
Apologize, and say that he/she looked like “the enemy.”

25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping,
and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the
trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each
African nation.

26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so
that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, “Silly me,”
open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act
like you hit your head on something.

27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate
salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do
100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, “Your momma isn’t here to
take care of you any more.”

28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever
you add to it, and say things like, “In a little while I’ll have
enough for that sailboat.”

29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the
rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If
your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting
like you’re trying to read something. Tell your roommate it’s a
message from God, but you’re not sure whether it’s a warning
about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

Moral of the Story

One day at the end of class little Gunner’s teacher had the
class go home and think of a story and then conclude with the
moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to
tell a story; little Suzy raised her hand. “My dad owns a farm
and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive
into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a
big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road.” The teacher asked for the moral of the story. Suzy
replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”

Next was little Lucy. “Well my dad owns a farm, too, and every
weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.
Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.” The teacher asked
for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, “Don’t count your
chickens before they’re hatched.”

Last was little Gunner. “My uncle Steve was a Marine in Vietnam;
the helicopter he was in was shot down over enemy territory. As
the only survivor, all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine
gun and a machete. First he drank the whiskey so the VC couldn’t
enjoy it. Unfortunately, he was quickly surrounded by a 100
Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran
out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.
The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with
his bare hands.” Teacher looked in shock at Gunner and asked if
there was any possible moral to his story. “Yes sir”, Gunner
replied, “Don’t fuck with Uncle Steve when he’s been drinking.”

My Dad Did…

It is the first day of school and the teacher decides to go
around the room and see what everybody’s father does for a
living.

The first girl says, “My dad is a fireman. He puts out fires for
a living.” The teacher says “good.”

The next boy stands up and says, “My dad is a lawyer. He puts
bad people in jail.”

Teacher asks Johnny what his dad does. Johnny says, “My dad is
dead.” Teahcer says “What did he do before he died?” Jonny says,
“He turned blue and shit on the carpet!”

The Professor’s Brain

During one of a professer’s routine classes, he decided to raise
a controversial subject:

He stood in front of his class and said: “Can anyone hear God?
Can anyone see God? Can anyone smell God?” After a long pause,
the professor concluded: “Because none of you can hear, see, or
smell God, I conclude that there is no God.”

Not to be outdone, one particularly potent student stood up.
“May I address the class directly?” he asked.

“Yes, you may,” the professor replied.

The student went to the front of the class and began: “Can
anyone hear the professor’s brain? Can anyone see the
professor’s brain? Can anyone smell the professor’s brain?”
After a particularly uneasy and long pause, the student
finished: “Because none of you can hear, see, or smell the
professor’s brain, I conclude that the professor has no brain.”