Campers

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today.

I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story, “Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch.

Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”

The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks.

I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”

“Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?”

“Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Witness to an Accident

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?”The witness: “Yes, sir.”The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.”The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?”The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”

Evening of bridge

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel’s home for an evening of bridge.The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel’s wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar.When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel’s wife smiled demurely, “Don’t worry about it, this is the first time all evening that I’ve been able to tell what he has in his hand.”

Savings

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride’s toast and coffee, she said, “Honey, I don’t understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you’ve encountered a buzz saw.”
“That guy,” said the bride, “double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!”

Baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself:

“She’ll never go for me carrying on like that,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up baked beans, and shortly after that they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. He putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!”
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and “rrrriiipppp!” It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.
To keep form gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming.

He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner: the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells(indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, SURPRISE!!

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Railings

elton john and rod stewart are walking down the road when they see a woman with her head stuck in between a fence and rod walks over and takes her from behind and says to elton go on have a go and elton replies oohhh i would never get my head between those railings.

Ever Growing Penis

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

“How long will he be on crutches?” she asked.

“Crutches???” the doctor asked.

“Well, yes,” the woman said “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”

God Helps Me Pee

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly check up. During examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is. It’s fine,” says the old man. “I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God turns on the light for me.”The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell her about the God-light thing.”Oh, my God!” says the daughter.”He’s been using the fridge again!”