Computer Terms

486 – The average IQ needed to understand a P.C. state – of – the – art computer you can’t afford.
Obsolete – Any computer you own.

Microsecond – The time it takes for your State – of – the – art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error – “Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.

GUI (pronounced “gooey”) – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip – Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive- The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.

Portable Computer – A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.

Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your current software.

PC Support

Tech Support hotlines are not easy work, you get calls from all sorts of idiotic users that apparently can’t read a manual, or lack common sense. Here is a transcript of just one such case:

Caller “Hello is this Packard Bell Tech support?”
Tech “Yes how can I help you?”

Caller “The cup holder on front of my computer broke off and it is still under warranty, how do I go about getting it fixed?”
Tech “Excuse, you’ve stumped me. How did you get this cup holder, was it part of some promotion?”

Caller “It came with the computer, I don’t know of any promotion.”
Tech “Does it have any markings on it, any names, any symbols?”
Caller “Yes, it says 4X!”

Top Ten Signs You Might be a Sysadmin

10. You see a bumper sticker that says “Users are Losers” and you have no idea it is referring to drugs.

9. Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl.

8. You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually finished college.

7. You have enough computing power in your house or apartment to render obscene pictures of upper management people.

6. Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion.

5. The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation.

4. The last time you kissed someone was in high school.

3. “What? No raise? No Backups, then!”

2. You have a vanity plate on your car that names part of the Unix File System.

1. You have ever uttered the phrase “I will be working from home today so I can avoid wearing pants.”

Expensive Parrots

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner
points to three identical birds and says, “The parrot to your
left costs $500.” The man asks, “Why does the parrot costs so
much?” The owner says, “Well, it knows how to use a computer. He
can diagnose system bugs.”

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told, “That one
costs $1000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do
plus it knows how to configure and use UNIX.”

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third
parrot and is told, “That one costs $2000.” Needless to say,
this begs the question, “What can IT do?” The owner shrugs and
replies, “To be honest I’ve never seen it do a thing, but the
other two call him Boss!”

”99 Bottles of Beer” song

”99 Bottles of Beer” song gets stuck in an infinite loop

At the stroke of midnight on 12/31/1999, Windows 99* turns back into DOS 1.0; the Pentium* V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.

Internet Movie Database now lists ”1901: A Space Odyssey”.

Bob Dole’s age erroneously listed with only two digits.

Sales of Coca-Cola jump drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.

Software engineers point out that since computers think it’s almost 1900, we technically have to ”party like it’s 1899” (which, frankly, doesn’t seem like that much fun).

Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the ”Gatesian” Calendar.

Jesus shows up late for His Second Coming; blames it on COBOL programmers.

Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.

Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe personnel shortage at McDonald’s restaurants.

Cybersex Discussion

Online computer users often engage in cyber sex. However, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript doesn’t seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.
Then again, maybe he does…

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I’m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I’m 6’3″ and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I’m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I’m gulping, I’m beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.
Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!
Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m so sorry; Really.
Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I’m on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark, I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I’m tuggin’ off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don’t you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my…you know …thing…in your…you know…woman’s thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I’m flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:{logged off}

Computer Viruses

Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains
loudly about foreign software. Frequentlyaccompanies the
Right-to-Life and the Randall Terry virus

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn’t do
anything. Secretly, you wish it would

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear
mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it’s guilty of trashing your
system, but you just can’t prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it’s been around too long
to be much of a threat.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size

BOBBITT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then
reattaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you’re getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying
too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse
around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by
LAN; twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a “virus,”
butinstead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file,
regardless of how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file,
it requires you to see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to
run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident.
It’ll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your
komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds
of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all
of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC’s infected will lose 30
percent of their data 14 percent of the time(plus or minus a 3.5
percent margin of error).

RANDALL TERRY VIRUS: Prints “Oh no you don’t” whenever you
choose “Abort” from the “Abort, Retry, Fail” message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen
splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of
the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is
caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in
Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self
destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper
shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of
mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus
has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, “Read my
docs…no new files!” on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all
the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it
on the Congressional virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like
a 286AT.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in
last in the reviews, but you still love it.