The Dope on Scooby-Doo

Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from their early childhood, right? But something you may not remember is what the show was really about. As we’ve gotten older, it has become more clear what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing as they traversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts in the Mystery Machine. WHAT WE REMEMBER: Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sorts — and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people. THE TRUTH: Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country in their psychedelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guys mask off to solve a mystery. It may be hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence… Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current ‘grunge’ scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a ‘burner’, i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole. And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his ‘high’ from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time. The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world — they drove to China once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities however… Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go ‘solve the case’ by themselves. It’s no real mystery what these two are really doing — they’re getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine. Daphne, with her pretty pink legs, and Fred are constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck. And what about Velma? Everyone’s least favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into beastiality. Where do you think Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect English, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby. So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slangin’ dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and fucking their dog, while all the while looking for the perfect ‘hit’. Oh if we had only known these things when we watched this cartoon as children…–sumitted by : Sarai Lockett

Mix and Match Movie Titles

“American Beauty and the Beast”The Beast has a midlife crisis and takes a job at a fast-food restaurant, while the Beauty has an affair with a real-estate tycoon. “The Straight Love Story” Ryan O’Neal tragically runs over Ali McGraw while mowing his lawn. “That Girl, Interrupted” Marlo Thomas goes to the nuthouse. “The Talented Mr. Whipple”An elderly toilet-paper spokes- man goes on a killing spree in Europe, murdering anyone who squeezes the Charmin. “Soylent Green Mile” Charlton Heston finds out what prison food is really made of. “All About My Mummy” Pedro Almodovar’s bittersweet saga about a 3,000-year-old mummy and his struggle to find love in the modern world. “The Animal House Rules” A group of frat boys, led by John Belushi, drink too much hard cider and open an abortion clinic, with predictably wacky results. “Boys From Brazil Don’t Cry”Gregory Peck clones Adolf Hitler, who fools all the other Nazis into thinking he’s a she, with predictably wacky results. “Barefoot in South Park — Bigger, Longer and Uncut” A couple of young newlyweds meet Cartman, Kenny and the gang. “With Sixth Sense You Get Eggroll” A young boy is haunted by images of Doris Day movies. “The Remains of the Day of the Jackal” A formal English butler puts his loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot to assassinate Charles de Gaulle. “Singing in the Black Rain” A gang of vicious Japanese druglords beat the crap out of Gene Kelly. “A Few Good Mallrats”Jack Nicholson, having been drummed out of the Marines, is now working as a mall security guard. “You want me in that mall, you need me in that mall!” “Paradise Lost in Space” Satan is sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist and two annoying children.

Hollywood Does Famous Composers

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project–an action
docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold
Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the
box office ‘oomph’ of these superstars, so he was prepared to
allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as
long as they were very famous.

“Well,” started Stallone, “I’ve always admired Mozart. I would
love to play him.”

“Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve
if people saw me playing the piano.” said Willis. “I’ll play
him.”

“I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,” said
Segal. “I’d like to play him.”

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. “Sounds
splendid.” Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, “Who do
you want to be, Arnold?” So Arnold says, “I’ll be Bach.”

Christmas Fruitcake Recipe

Items Needed:————-4 Oz. Fruit Bits1 Railroad TieWood SawLarge Rubber MallotSafety GogglesWEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help from an adult!) Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallot. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don’t be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallot! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can’t break anything.For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).Finally, cover it tightly in platic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake!

Movie line – Not PC

One of many great lines from the movie: ‘As Good As It Gets’Scene: Reception area of a major publishing house. Jack Nicholson is best selling romance novel author Melvin Udall, a rather cranky and quirky old guy who really doesn’t like people at all. The cute young blond receptionist sees that she has a chance at last to gush over her favorite author and after a ritual bag of compliments asks:Receptionist: How *do* you write women so well?Melvin Udall: Quite simply: I think of men, and I take away reason and accountability.

Weed

Smokers Live and Smokers Die
in the end we all get high
if at first you don’t succeed
buy a bigger bag of weed

Pot is a Plant that lives on the ground
if God didn’t smoke it…it wouldn’t be around
So for all those little Angels that never get high
Fuck the world and give it a Try

Sex and Drugs and Rock’n’Roll
Speed and Weed and birth control
first you live and then you die
fuck the world come on get high

Roses are Red
Weed is shit
Fuck the world
and Give me some mint

Weed and Speed and Alcohol
Cindy Crawford has a mole
Heath Ledger Fucked his mum
so come over here and give me some…

Quotes from Celebrities

“A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her
new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her
dad.” –Christopher Case

“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t
either.” –Dick Cavett

“I have such poor vision I can date anybody.” –Garry Shandling

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.”
–Rita Rudner

“If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me.” –Bobcat Goldthwait

“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”
–Michael McShane

“My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how
to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to
swim.'” –Paula Poundstone

“I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be
like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.”
–Jack Mayberry

“I’m half-Italian and half-Polish. So I’m always putting a hit
out on myself.” –Judy Tenuta

“Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a
second.” –Steven Wright

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: Duh.” –Conan O’Brien

“Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him
spit. That’s why you should never date a baseball player.”
–Marsha Warfield

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else.” –Lily Tomlin

“I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was
eight years old. At least, that’s what he told us in the
letter.” –Drew Carey

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” –Bill Maher

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out
of four people make up 75 percent of the population.” –David
Letterman

“I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman’s face on salad
dressing and spaghetti sauce….I thought he was missing.” –Bob
Saget

“Chihuahua. There’s a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that
is still far away.” –Billiam Coronell

“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me
was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I
should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone
like you?” –Larry Miller

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without
a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see
that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much
of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy,
let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a
spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.'” –Jerry
Seinfeld

“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.” –Johnny Carson

“If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?”
–John Mendoza

“I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold
them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too
high!'” –Bruce Baum

Voice Command Radio

A young woman purchases her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and is having trouble tuning her radio to the station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio. “Miss,” the salesperson said, “this is a very sophisticated radio.
There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands for whatever type of program you desire.”

So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway. “Country Music,” she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, “Oldies,” and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing “Blueberry Hill.”

A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic. “Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!” she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, “Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura.”

Movie Review: Supernova

Editor’s Note: Although this is not a joke, it’s still funny as hell and I couldn’t resist posting it. It’s a review of Supernova from the Self-Made Critic at www.brunching.com, pretty much proving what I thought would be true (hope it’s not too late for any of you)…———-In the name of all that is Holy, do NOT see this movie!!!There, that’s really about all you need to know about the new sci-fi disaster, Supernova.The movie is so horrible, it is my civic duty to keep you away from it. So I’m going to ruin absolutely any and all of the movie that I possibly can.Here’s what the movie is about, I think. (It was sometimes hard to understand what was happening because, well, it was really stupid.) There’s this big, deep-space medical rescue ship. They pick up a distress signal from an abandoned moon. They go to the moon, pick up a lone guy who has a weird object. The guy starts to kill everybody. They kill him. The object causes a supernova. The movie ends. Everybody’s dead except for James Spader and Angela Bassett. Everyone. There isn’t a single character in the movie other than those two who lives.Oh, and a supernova is heading towards Earth and will destroy it in 51 years. Oh well, sucks to be Earth.Apparently, according to this movie, in the future, everybody is really, really dumb, and they’ve never seen a sci-fi movie in their lives. How dumb can the human race really be? How dumb could the writers have been? At one point, they specifically tell us that the ship only has 6 special ‘jump pods’, and then later, the computer tells us that evil bad guy has just destroyed Pod #7. Excuse me?Rule #1 if you’re ever out in deep space: Don’t go rescue the weird guy who shouldn’t be out there anyway. And definitely don’t bring his mysterious cargo onboard. I wanted to spend the movie bitch-slapping the characters. “His bone structure is unlike anything I’ve ever seen in a human. It’s completely over-developed. Huh. Weird. What’s for dinner?”SLAP”Our ship has just lost 82% of its power, our captain’s head fused with plexiglass and we have an eleven minute window to escape certain death. Let’s go to bed together.”SLAP”The evil bad guy, who has demonstrated Superman-like strength, has just killed two of our crew. Let’s split up and walk aimlessly through the ship looking for him.”SLAP”I just found an unknown, odd, bizarrely pulsating alien object. I’m gonna open it up and stick my hand in it to see what happens.”SLAP”We just picked you up from an abandoned moon in deep space and you can read my mind, which no other human being has ever been able to do. Neat. Let’s go to bed.”SLAP”We are a medical rescue ship with a crew of six with only six ‘jump pods’ so if we ever actually rescued anyone, we wouldn’t be able to actually bring them home.”SLAPWho directed this heap? That’s another a sci-fi story all its own.Officially, Thomas Lee directed this movie. Who’s Thomas Lee? He doesn’t exist. He’s the next Alan Smithee. The real director was Walter Hill, and he took his name off this movie faster than you can say “Oy! What have I done to my career!” Then Francis Ford Coppola had a go at a final cut, but you won’t find his name anywhere near this film either.The movie was scheduled to be released in the Summer of 1997. That’s not a typo. 1997. It cost, get this, over $70 million dollars to make this movie. Do you have any idea how many Blair Witches you could make for that kind of money?Speaking of The Blair Witch Project, this film was filmed in Blair-Witch-o-Vision, with a shaky camera that doesn’t sit still for a second. It’s like the camera operator was suffering from epilepsy throughout the entire film. $70 million and they couldn’t afford a stedicam?Supernova gets 3/4 of a Babylon. Why not 0? Because the movie teaches us how pear brandy is made, and that educational effort is worth 3/4 of a Babylon.Other than that, save your soul, don’t see this film!!! **SUPERNOVARated: PG-13 (thought it was so obviously meant to be a R that it’s ridiculous.)Directed by: Thomas Lee (Walter Hill, I can’t let him off the hook so easily.)Starring: A lot of people who should be ashamed of themselves.

Martha Stewart’s Christmas letter to Erma Bombeck

Hi Erma,This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I’m serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: I didn’t have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I’m wearing for breakfast. I’ll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I’ll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don’t stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It’s a good thing.Love, Martha StewartP.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.Response from Erma Bombeck:Dear Martha, I’m writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I’m 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that? Still can’t find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor … trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don’t use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke! The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later. Love, Erma