The Well-Dressed Man and the Pope

The pope was once set to board a private plane at an airport.
Word had gotten out on this event, and hordes of people lined up
along the runway, hoping the pope would notice them as he was
making his way towards the airplane. One such man was very
anxious to see the pope, buying a mutli-hundred dollar suit, in
hopes that the pope would notice the man and his well-groomed
appearance.

Unfortunately, as the pope slowly made his way along and as the
well-dressed man became more and more nervous, the pope finally
passed right by the man, without noticing a thing. Not only
that, but the man noticed that the pope had actually taken the
effort to stop and talk to a man dressed in ragged clothing!

The well-groomed man didn’t understand why this happened, but he
had an idea. As soon as the pope finished talking to the
raggely-clothed man, the well-dressed man walked over the the
“bum” and offered that they could swap clothing. The
raggedly-clothed man agreed.

After a quick change of clothes, the well-grommed man, now
dressed in the ragged clothes, dashed to the front of the line
as the pope continued to walk his way down. As the pope neared,
the man became just as nervous again, but confident that the
pope would take the time to stop.

Finally, the pope had reached the now-ragged-clothed man. The
pope looked the man up and down for a while, then stared in the
man’s face and said, “I thought I told you if I ever saw your
face around here again, I’d make sure you’d regret it for the
rest of your life.”

101 Dirty Nuns

There were 101 nuns in a convent. In a large meeting of all 101,
the head nun stepped up to the pedestal ready to make a major
announcement. She said, “Ahem, Ahem, my fellow nuns, I have
ghastly news for you.

Yesterday, we found evidence that one of you nuns has been
uptown having sex with the locals.” 99 nuns gasped but 1
giggled. The nun then said, “We have found the condominium that
was rented by this nun.” 99 nuns gasped but 1 giggled. She then
said, “We then found much lingerie and other ladies clothing
strung about.” 99 nuns gasped but 1 giggled. “We also found a
pack of condom, one used, and a discarded pair of boxers, but
not briefs.” 99 nuns said gaspedbut 1 giggled.

Then the head nun said, “Here’s the big one, girls! We found a
suspicious hole in the side of the bedroom of the condominium,
which we were peeking through last night!” 99 nuns giggled, but
one gasped.

Fallen From Grace

There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “if I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked
him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery
would say they had “fallen”.

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived,
he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest
said, “you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people
come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.” The
Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest
about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the
mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, Your wife fell
three times this week.”

Rabbi takes confession

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave
the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from
across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told
him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to
come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show
him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive me
for I have sinned. I committed adultery.”

Priest says: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin
no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says,
“Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest says, “What did you do?”

Man says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest asks, “How many times?”

Man replys, “Three times.”

Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin
no more.”

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the
priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and
says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi says, “What did you do?”

Woman replys, “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi asks, “How many times?”

Woman says “Once.”

Rabbi says, “Go do it two more times, we have a special this
week, three for $5.00.”

A Day in the Garden of Eden

One day,after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls
out to God,

“Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?”, God replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and
surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals, but I am just not happy”

“Why is that, Adam?”, comes the reply from the heavens.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this
lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.”

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall
create a “woman” for you.”

“What’s a “woman”, Lord?”

“This “woman” will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring,
and beautiful creature I have ever created.

She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you
want, even before you want it. She will be so sensitive and
caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you
happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She
will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She
will be the perfect companion for you.”, replies the heavenly
voice.

“Sounds great!” Adam says with a grin on his face.

“She will be, but this is going to cost you.”

“Oh, how much will this “woman” cost me Lord?”, Adam replies.

“She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear,
and your left testicle.”

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God,

“Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?

…And the rest, is history…

Nuns at a Football Game

Three guys were at a football game. It just so happens that they
were all diehard football fans. They finally found a seat good
enough for them. But there was just one problem with the so
called “perfect seats.” Three nuns were in front of them
blocking their veiw.

The guys wanted them to move so one said, loud enough for the
nuns to hear, “Hey I think I’ll move to Idaho. There are only
100 Catholics there.”

The second one said, “No I’m gonna move to Montana. There are
only 50 Catholics living there.”

Then the third guy said, “You two are both wrong. We should move
to Wisconsin. There are only 25 Catholics there.”

Then one of the nuns turns around and said, “Hey why don’t you
go to hell… there aren’t any Catholics there!”

Good Bus Driver

Two guys, a preist and a bus driver, die and go to heaven.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates.
“Yes, yes!” St. Peter exclaimed, “Lord Jesus was expecting you
two!
You guys wait here, while God prepares your homes!”

Two hours later, St. Peter comes back.
“Bus Driver!” St. Peter called, “Follow me!”
St. Peter and the bus driver walk up to this great
big mansion.
“This is your new home! Enjoy it!”

“Are you the preist?” St. Peter had asked.
“I am!” the preist had replied.
“Follow me!” St. Peter ordered.
The preist and St. Peter had at that time walked
up to a log cabin.
“This beautiful log cabin is your new home.”
St. Peter explained.
“There must be some kind of mistake, St. Peter!
Aren’t I supposed to have more?” the preist complained.
“God doesn’t make any mistakes!” St. Peter once again explained.

“You see, when you were preaching at your church,
people were sleeping. When the bus driver drove that
bus of his, people sure were praying!”

new ark!

one day god said to noah, “would you be able to build me another
a ark”
“yes of course i will” said noah, “i have done it before i can do
it again”
“but not just any type of ark, a 40 storey ark” said god
“erm, ok god your the boss” replied noah
“but would you like me to fill it with animals like last time”
said noah
“yes please” said god, “well kind of not all the different types
of animals like last time, just fish, well just one type of fish
carp” said god
“ok god you are the boss” said noah “but why do you want a 40
storey ark and why do you want me to fill it with carp” asked
noah confused
“well” said god, “i have always wanted a multi storey carp ark”

Books of the Bible

See if you can find 16 books of the Bible in the following article:

I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible, It was a lulu.
Kept people looking so hard for the facts and for others it was a
revelation. Some were in a real jam, especially since the names of the
books were not capitalized.

But the truth finally struck home to numbers of readers. To others, it was
a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes,
there will be some real easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to
help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of
them. And there will be loud Lamentations when it is found.

A little old lady says she brews a cup of tea to concentrate better. See
how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are sixteen names of
books in the Bible in this story.

(Good luck!! One preacher found 15 books in 20 minutes, but it took him
three weeks to find the 16th one.)

Candle Makers

There’s this Naval captain, who’s just finished a long trek to
South America.

He gets off the ship and meets up with another captain. During
their conversation, the captain says “You know what really
drives me crazy? All that my crew members want to do is
masturbate all day. It’s really pissing me off.”

The other captain says “Hey, I know what you’re going through.
You know how you can solve this problem? All you need to do is
hold contests to see who can fill up an old oil drum with the
largest amount of semen. Believe me, after these little games,
your men will be too tired of masturbating to even think about
doing it.”

“Well, that IS a good idea.” The captain said. “But what I’m I
gonna do with all that semen?”

The other captain thought it over and said “Well, you can do
what I did and sell all of it to a candle maker in the area.
I’ve heard the stuff makes some pretty damn good candles.”

Well, the captain took the other captain’s advice after that. He
held his little “contests” and sold all of the semen produced to
a local candle maker.

Then, after a few months at sea, the captain returned to the
same port, only to be greeted by the angry candle maker.

“You know that material you sold me to make new candles?” he
asked. “Yes.” the captain answered. “Well I took the candles I
made from that material, and sold them to a local convent.”

“And?” the captain asked.

“A few weeks later, all of the nuns got pregnant!”