Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?” The candidate said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?” The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?” And the HR Person said, “Certainly, …but you started it.”
A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on
what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a
pauper.” Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice,
requested some resolution of the dilemma. “Let me tell you a story,”
the rabbi. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on
her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right
to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
advice. ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your
The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the
“No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”
One evening, a woman was working on completing a jingle to win a large cash prize from Carnation Milk. Carnation furnished the first line, “I like Carnation best of all,” and it was to be completed in 50 words or less.
A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her her entry was the best, but it couldn’t be published, and they were giving her a consolation award of $1,000.00.
Here is her entry:
I like Carnation best of all, No tits to pull, no shit to haul. No barns to clean, no hay to pitch, Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.
It’s Not My Job!
Emersons’ Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
Once there was an man living between people wich made lots of noises at night and day.
The one who left was a music teacher,she learns the children day and just before night.The violens make sqeaky sounds, and piano is false.
On the right side lives a mechanic wich makes loud noises day and night.Cling,clang you no what I mean.
On that day the man decided that this must stop at once.He shouts,”I can’t take it anymore!”.The next day he goes over to the musical teacher and gives her a hand full of money and told her she must buy her a new house.The same day he goes over to the mechanic and gives him all the money he has left,and asked him just to leave the next day.And they both agreed.
The next day the man helped the music teacher with the piano down the stairs and asked her where she is moving to.
Then she said,———————
“I heard the man next door was also looking for a place,now he’s gonna move in my house and I in his.
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
Pick good people; talent never wears out.
All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.
Sometimes you’re the bird, and sometimes you’re the windshield.
It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.
There is no such thing as instant experience.