Fine dining

The head waiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy hip wader boots, frayed and torn jeans, dirty leather jacket, long stringy dirty hair and a beard with flecks of long-ago food marched right towards him. The man said, “Yo, bucko, where’s your crapper?”The head waiter calmly replied, “Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked ‘Gentlemen’, pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside.”

Life savers

A rep. from life savers was doing a study on the new flavor. honney life savor. he went to a local elm.school and handed out strawberry cherry lime and honney flavored life savers to the kids in the class. after they ate on he would ask the kids what flaver they were. for the strawberry they all said strawberry and for cherry they saie cherry and for lime they guessd lime. but they all had a problem whith the honey flavored one. the rep said ” i will give yall a hint. the flavor is something your mom calls your dad.” just then a tot with a horrible look on his face cries out” oh my god spit it out there ass holes.

On the subject of men and the bathroom…

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men’s penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I’m telling you those little buggers can’t be trusted.Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can’t get that thing to bend, and if it won’t bend, you can’t aim, well hell, if you can’t aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the frigging toilet seat won’t stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim.Now sometimes, when you’re newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it’s just not safe.I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her… look, it won’t bend. She said, “so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.” OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with “morning wood.” Well, it’s is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position — lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it’s the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

Sheer Lingerie

A man goes to Frederick’s of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife
the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the
counter goes and gets an outfit.

“This is $200,” she says.
“I want one that’s more sheer,” says he.
“This one is $350.”
“I want it even more sheer than that.”
“This one is the most sheer that we have. It’s $500.”
“I’ll take it!”

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, “Go
put this on and come down to model it for me.” His wife goes
upstairs, opens the box and thinks, “This thing is so
see-through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing
it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won’t know
the difference.”

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose
at the top of the stairs. “So, how do you like it?” she asks.
“Damn, you’d think for $500 they’d iron the damn thing.”

Walking while Pregnant

There is a room full of pregnant women and their partners, and
the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching
the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men
how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And gentlemen, it wouldn’t
hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.” The
room got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised
his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk????”

28 Types of People You Meet in the Men’s Room

1. EXCITABLE:
Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2. SOCIABLE:
Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3. NOSEY:
Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4. TIMID:
Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal as if he had
already, comes back later.

5. INDIFFERENT:
All urinals being used, pisses in the sink.

6. CLEVER:
No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the
floor.

7. WORRIED:
Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8. FRIVOLOUS:
Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or
bug.

9. ABSENT-MINDED:
Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10. CHILDISH:
Pisses directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see the bubbles.

11. SNEAKY:
Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in
the next stall will get blamed.

12. PATIENT:
Stands very close for a long time, reads newspaper with free
hand.

13. DESPARATE:
Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14. TOUGH:
Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

15. EFFICIENT:
Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

16. FAT:
Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoes.

17. LITTLE:
Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18. DRUNK:
Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19. DISGRUNTLED:
Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

20. CONCEITED:
Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

21. IMPATIENT:
Always in a hurry, pisses down back of guy using urinal in front
of him.

22. HUNTER:
Gets out of camper, unzips fly, steps of cliff, never pisses,
but does scare the shit out of himself.

23. WITHDRAWN:
Places feet in urinal, pisses down leg, thus eliminate noise.

24. CROSS-EYED:
Looks into urinal to the left, pisses into one in the center,
flushes one on the right.

25. CURIOUS:
Looks over at neighbor, pisses in neighbor’s pocket.

26. COMPETITIVE:
Stands back, and challenges others to distance contest.

27. SHOW OFF:
Stands with back to urinal, and slings tool over shoulder.

28. CONFUSED:
Woman in wrong washroom wondering what’s with the funny sinks.