Have you seen my dog?

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a near-by rock and tossed it into the opening.

They listened….and heard nothing.

The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened….and still heard nothing.

Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole.

Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here.

The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole.

The young boy laughed and said, “That couldn’t be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!”

Four Men and Their Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an
Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the
fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.

“T-Square, do your stuff.”

T- Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could
do better.

He called his dog and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.”

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better.

He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, “What can your
dog do?”

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your
stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured
his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Worker’s Compensation and went home on sick leave.

My First Time

My First Time
The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
All alone,
Just her and I.

Her hair so soft,
Her legs so fine,
I ran me fingers,
down her spine.

I didnt know how,
I tried my best,
To touch her breast.

I remembered my fear,
But slowly she spread,
Her legs apart,
And when she did,
I felt no shame.

All at once,
The white stuff came out!

At last. It’s finished.
It’s all over…

My first time,

Milking a cow.

The Top 15 Signs Your Pet Is a Reincarnated Celebrity

15> Every time a Paul McCartney song comes on, he piddles on the radio.

14> Not only has Rover gotten pretty heavy, he now lives in a van down by the river.

13> You’ve never seen a hamster so enraptured by the music of Led Zeppelin. At least not a heavy-drinking, kick-ass drumming sort of hamster.

12> There appears to be a toga party going on inside the Habitrail.

11> Before going to sleep, he turns to his left 500 times or until he runs into a wall.

10> Your Jack Russell pretends to be gay so he can live with you and your female roommate.

9> Your two baby chimps, Ookie and Kookie, are fascinated by news reports about Saddam Hussein’s capture.

8> Not only is he the tallest poodle anyone has ever seen, he claims to have had sex with 20,000 bitches.

7> Whenever your cat leaves something in the little box, she turns and says to it, “You old poop!”

6> Your hound dog howls inconsolably whenever the TV shows old pictures of Jacko and Lisa Marie.

5> Your cat, Jimi, not only catches mice, he then sets them on fire.

4> Points his paw at specific spots on the living room wall then swats his catnip mouse directly there.

3> Every time you throw a stick, your dog claps his paws and Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme run and fetch it for him.

2> Ignoring her untouched food dish, your greyhound just keeps howling the melody to “Rainy Days and Mondays.”

1> She keeps barking something about Timmy and the well — from her aquarium.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Gator Balls

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. ”I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. ”I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up, ”I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

The Top 15 Personal Ads Placed by Animals

15> Rhino: Horny? I mean *REALLY* horny? Me, too!14> Elephant: Seeking BBF pachyderm who wants to embrace some tail. No fatties, please.13> Fly: Single black female Musca Domestica has compound eye out for that special male who’ll share laughs, intimacy, turds.12> Horse: Hot filly ISO stud horse hung like same.11> Cat: Single declawed male tabby seeks similar female for LTR. I’m not just looking for some pussy.10> Parakeet: ISO loyal mate. Burned once when significant other turned out to be self in mirror.9> Pig: You root for me and I’ll pork you! (Pigs only, please.)8> Lion: Single tawny lion seeks zebra into extreme S&M for very-short-term relationship.7> Platypus: Seeking mate. Funny-looking applicants need not apply.6> Praying Mantis: Looking for a mate who’s willing to lose his head over me.5> Bear: Single brown professional bear seeks female bear for companionship. Must share passion to keep fires out of the forest — and *in* the bedroom. No smokers.4> Mouse: Looking for a stable, stay-at-nest kinda guy. I don’t give a rat’s ass about looks.3> Squirrel: Wild and crazy guy seeks soul mate for outdoor frolicking, al fresco dining and terrorizing blue-haired park interlopers.2> Sloth: Looking for someone willing to take things slowly.1> Dog: Who’s a pretty girl? Who’s a pretty girl?!? Is it you? *Is* it? Leave your reply on the oak outside 1432 Crestwood. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Curious Camel

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?”
The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand”.

“OK” said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?”

“They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert”, the camel mother answers.

“Thanks Mom” replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, “Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??”

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, “They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.”

“That’s great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but… Mom?”

“Yes son?”

“Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?”

A game of animal football

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. “I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T.V.”He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.The lion’s team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.Late in the first half the lion’s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion’s team led at halftime 7 – 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.”Look you guys. We can win this game. We’ve got the lead and they only have one real threat. We’ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he’s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.”The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino’s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.”Did you do this?” he asked the centipede.”Yeah, I did.” the centipede replied.The lion retorted, “Where were you during the first half?””I was putting on my shoes.”

Here, Piggy, Piggy

An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer
would head out to feed them. And every morning, he would see all the pigs
screwing up a storm. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the
house in time to screw his wife — but he always got soft before he got there.
So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pig pen.

The Most Venomous Snake in the World

NAME:

“Expecteria Trouserius” (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION:

Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION:

Varying from pink to black. Fangless, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.

SYMPTOMS:

This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.

HABITAT:

Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE:

Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED: TORNIQUET:

Do not apply a torniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND:

This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND:

This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE:

1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.

4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION:

This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.