Computer Terms

486 – The average IQ needed to understand a P.C. state – of – the – art computer you can’t afford.
Obsolete – Any computer you own.

Microsecond – The time it takes for your State – of – the – art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error – “Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.

GUI (pronounced “gooey”) – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip – Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive- The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.

Portable Computer – A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.

Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your current software.

Un hombre estaba sentado en

Un hombre estaba sentado en un bar y observaba c�mo un individuo sosten�a una conversaci�n con su mano derecha.

Intrigado se le acerc� y le dijo: “Perdone, pero he visto que usted lleva bastante rato hablando solo. �Le pasa algo malo?”

“Lo que pasa es que estoy estrenando un implante electr�nico que me pusieron en la cabeza. Tengo un celular en mi mano, una computadora con televisi�n en mis ojos y otros adelantos de la era. Deme el tel�fono de su casa por favor.”

El hombre se lo dio y de pronto escuch� de la mano del individuo la voz de su mujer. Eso lo dej� sorprendido. La saluda y despu�s le dice al sujeto:

“Oiga eso est� buen�simo �c�mo puedo conseguir algo as�?”

“Muy f�cil, d�jeme ir a orinal y de regreso le doy los pormenores.”

Pasaron quince, veinte, treinta minutos y decidi� ir a buscarlo al ba�o. Se llev� tremendo susto al encontrarlo con ambas manos contra la pared, con los pantaloncillos abajo y con un rollo de papel higi�nico entre las nalgas.

Le pregunta asustado:

“�Qui�n lo asalto, por qu� no pidi� ayuda? �Quiere que llame a la polic�a?”

El individuo se volte� y le contest�:

“C�llese, !no ve que estoy recibiendo un fax!”

Two Donuts

Well the other day I walked into a bakery and there were two doughnuts, a big one and a little one. I picked up the big donut and this women goes, “Hey don’t be greedy you shouldn’t have that big doughnut all to yourself!” So I replied “Well I’m at the front of the queue! Anyway which one would you have chosen?” The women said “The little one, of course!” And I answered: “So what are you moaning for, I left it for you!”

Salvation

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had done.

“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily.”I’ve been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now,” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact,” said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil,” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

There was this little guy

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and –WHACK!! — knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, ”That was a karate chop from Korea.”

The little guy thinks ”GEEZ,” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, ”That was a judo chop from Japan.”

So the little guy has had enough of this… He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and –Bong!!!– bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, ”When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.”

3 blondes

there are 3 blondes and they are aruging because there are markings on the path and the 1st blonde says “i think they are deer tracks”” and the 2nd blonde said “”i think they are bird tracks”” and the 3rd blonde says “” i think they are rabbit tracks”” they were still discussing this when a train hit them!!