Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windscreen.
“Quick, quick!!” shouts Sister Mary. “What shall I do?”
“Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
“What shall I do now?” she shouts.
“Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.
The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again.
“Now what?” shouts Sister Mary.
“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary opens the window and shouts: “GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!!”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?” The candidate said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?” The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?” And the HR Person said, “Certainly, …but you started it.”
Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a near-by rock and tossed it into the opening.
They listened….and heard nothing.
The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened….and still heard nothing.
Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole.
Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here.
The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole.
The young boy laughed and said, “That couldn’t be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!”
A blonde walks into a grocery store one day and tells the Cashier “UMM sir, your um soda machine is broken” The cashier says ” Oh well that is odd i just got a soda from there. Well what seems to be the problem?” The blonde says “Well my quarters wont fit into the machine no matter which way i turn them!” Puzzled the cashier askes the blonde to show him what she is talking about. She said ” O.K. i got four quarters from my purse.” The Cashier says, “ok” then she continues, “i tried to put them in under where it said “insert dollar here” like this, but see they just dont fit!!!”
A blonde goes to the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, Doctor! Everywhere I touch hurts!”
She touched her shoulder, and it hurt. She touched her leg, and it hurt. She touched her neck, and it hurt.
The doctor looked at her and said, “Your finger is broken.”
A man took his dog for a walk. The man rode yet walked. What was the dogs name?
The dogs name was yet!
You’ve ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can’t find it.
One day there was a old farmer and his wife and they owned a horse and a carrige. So one day they went out on the pasture to do some work,and there riding along and all of a sudden the horse stops and starts eating grass, the old farmer gets off and walks up to the horse and says “Thats one” so they start back on the path and the horse stops and starts bucking,so the old farmer gets off, walks up to the horse and says thats two,so he gets back on and there riding down the path a little farther and the horse just stands there, the old farmer gets off walks up to the horse and says thats three, so he hits the horse upside the head with the 2×4 kills the horse dead. The old farmer gets back in the carrige and his wife says, what the hell did you do that for, you know that was are only horse, the old farmer looks and his wife and says “Thats One”
Your momma so poor, we she stepped on her cigarette bud, she asked “who turned off the lights?”
An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.
“How am I doing?” He asks.
“Three knots,” she replies.
“Three knots? What’s that mean?”
“You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”
You’re so stupid, you got locked in a grocery store and starved!!