Accountant Math!

An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.

He left her a note saying:

“Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I’m leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We’ll be staying at the Sheraton.”

He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:

“Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I’m sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!”

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Don’t try this at home!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

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Totally Useless Info

1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in ’87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce’s per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%
25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3
32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald’s each day: 7
33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%
34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%
35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%
36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.
38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon
40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for “Profiles in Courage”
42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals
43. Only food that does not spoil: honey
44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)
45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig
48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
51. Polar bears are left-handed.
52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
53. Eskimos never gamble.
54. The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
56. Mark Twain didn’t graduate from elementary school.
57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.
60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
61. Hot water is heavier than cold.
62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.
65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.
66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was “Tom Sawyer.”
68. There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year.
69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
71. Men get hiccups more often than women.
72. Armadillos can be housebroken.

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april fools!

a lady was giving birth to a baby on the kitchen table when the baby finally came out the doctor grabbed the baby by the imbilical cord and started salmming it against the floor and then booted it to the other side of the room the lady then asked in a screaming voice “why did you do that to my baby” and the doctor replied “april fools it was already dead”

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Hooked

A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt.

Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic up to that point anyway.

They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem.

Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

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Bar Joke

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel’s. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody’s surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.”Easy,” says the man.”Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window.” “Wow,” says the man at the bar.”I gotta try this.” He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death. “Geez, Superman,” says the bartender.”You can be a real a jerk when you’re drunk.”

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Baby light

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.”

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

“Whoa there Scotty!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s yet another wee one to come.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man… It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “Do ya think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

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I’ll have nun of that!

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. “Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?”, he asked.

“Oh no, Father. Just a little gas.” Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.

A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. “Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?”, he asked again.

“Oh no, Father. Just a little gas.” She replied again.

A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige in the convent.

He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said –
“What a cute little fart!”

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