A lady was walking down the street when a small sign in the window of a shop caught her eye. She stopped, turned back and read the sign which said, “Clitoris licking frog available”.
Checking to see that no one on the street was observing her, she hurriedly entered the shop, closing the door quickly behind her.
Inside there was a counter but no sign of activity or human presence. On the counter there was a bell with a sign on top saying : -“Please ring for service”
The lady gave the bell a push. It rang but nothing happened. She hit the bell again and after a few minutes she heard a shuffling, slurping sort of sound and eventually a man emerged from a door behind the counter. “Bonjour madame”
Two nuns are bicycling down a cobblestone street.
The first one says to the other “I haven’t come this way before.”
The second one replies “I know. It’s the cobbles.”
Your mamma’s so stupid she locked her self in a bathroom and peed her pants!
One late evening a redneck named Aldo came out of the local pub a little drunk.He got into his pickup truck and started driving home. He was on a lonely stretch of the road, when all of a sudden a piston blew right through the engine hood. Aldo gets out of his pickup truck, angry as ‘hell’ and kicks the door real hard out of frustration and starts walking down the lonely road. About twenty minutes later, a pickup truck with a bunch of fellow rednecks riding in the back of the truck came along and stopped. On of the fellas called out, “Whats the matter ole’ friend?” Aldo says, “Piston-broke!” The same fella calls back, “Ya! we’re pissn’d and broke too. Get in the truck.”
A professor watched while a mechanic removed engine parts from his car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car being repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking and the talk turned to their lines of work.
“You know, doctor,” the professor said, “I sometimes believe this type of work is complicated as the work we do.”
“Perhaps,” the surgeon replied. “But let’s see him do it when the engine is running!”
Q. Do you know what an Australian kiss is?
A. It’s like a French kiss, but down under.
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. �It�s a very handy thing� God told the couple, �and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty.�Adam jumped up and blurted �Oh, give that to me! I�d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It�d be so great. When I�m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It�d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please�.Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn�t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.�Fine�, God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. �What�s left here?� �Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms.�
Q: What did one vampire lesbian say the the other?
A: See you next month.
Defence Attorney: What is your age?Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.Defence Attorney: Did you know him?Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.Defence Attorney: Why not?Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.Defence Attorney: What happened next?Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.Defence Attorney: Why not?Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!Defence Attorney: What happened next?Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, “take me, young man, Take me!”Defence Attorney: Did he take you?Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That’s when he yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot the son of a bitch!
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
“Thanks,” she said. “But I only charge $20.”
“Twenty bucks for the entire night?” the amazed MP replied. “You can’t make a living on that.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the whore replied. “I do a little blackmail on the side!”
John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.”How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud John to a deck hand.”It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”
A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father’s house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl’s feet.”What’s this,” she asked.”Taste it,” he replied, “If you like it, I’ll give you a whole one!”