Bad Car Day

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. ”What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked. The man responded, ”I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.” At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, ”Officer, don’t listen to him. He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.” This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, ”I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.” At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked ”Are we over the border yet?”

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Blind (or stupid parent tricks)

It seems that there was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, ”Mom, all I’ve ever wanted was to see.”His mom said, ”Well son it’s your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest, your prayers will be answered.”So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep. He wakes up half way through the night and realizes that the night isn’t over, so he prays another hour before he falls asleep again.He finally wakes up the next morning and yells, ”Mom, Mom, get in here fast!”His mom comes running in and says, ”What is it son?”The boy says, ”Mom I did just what you said, I prayed and prayed harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke up this morning, and I’m still blind!”And his mom says…….”April Fools!!”

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Who are they?

A man died and arrived at the gates of heaven. He was assigned to a guide
to be given the grand tour.

They entered a huge building and started down a long hallway. Soon they
came to a big door. The man looked inside and saw a huge crowd of people
dancing, laughing and having a generally great time.

“Who are they?” He asked.

“Those are all the Protestants.” was the answer.

They continued down the long hallway and soon came to another, similar
door. It also was wide open and the man looked inside and saw a similar
sight. Crowds of people just having a wonderful time.

“Who are they?” He asked.

“Those are all the Jews.” was the reply.

They then continued down the long hallway and soon came to another,
similar door. This door, however, was closed. The guide said. “Shhh, we
have to pass this door very quietly.”

“Why?” Asked the man.

“Those are the Catholics. They think they’re the only ones here.”

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Osama/Taliban Jokes

Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.

“There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy’s head who wears Bounty on his head.”
� Jay Leno

“We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.”
� David Letterman

“It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden’s organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard.”
� David Letterman

“There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We’ll taste your food, you check our mail.”
� Jay Leno

“People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we’re finished fighting there. I’m sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan.”
� Jay Leno

“Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is ‘Waldo.”
� Jay Leno

“We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait ’til we deliver his mid-life crisis.”
� Jay Leno

“There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country.”
� Jay Leno

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How to piss a cop off

1) When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, officer, there’s no blood in
my alcohol?”

2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer
doesn’t go that high.

5) Touch him.

6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

8) Refer to him by his first name.

9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

10) When he says no, cry.

11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the
hood.

14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don’t go that way.

15) When he puts handcuffs on, say “Usually my dates buy me dinner first”

16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don’t like ink on your
fingers.

17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say “Oops! That’s the wrong
name.”

18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the
last one.

19) When he comes up to the car, say “License and registration, please” right
when he says it.

20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing “La La La, I can’t hear you!”

21) Trip and fall into him.

22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to use his pen.

24) Chew on the pen, nervously.

25) Clean your ear with the pen.

26) If it’s a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought your name sounded
familiar….

28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the
plumbing was.

29) Act like you are retarded.

30) When he is telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

31) Or mumble to yourself.

32) When he tells you to stop, say what are you talking about, DUDE?

33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm… only 5 of you here tonight…

34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

35) When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

36) Ask if he watches Cops.

37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

38) Giggle if he did.

39) Talk to your hand.

40) Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and he Five Favorite Friends.

41) Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does.

42) When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

43) When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, the
last cop got it.

44) Try to sell him your car.

45) Ask if you can buy his car.

46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in the front.

47) Play with the siren.

48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

49) If you don’t know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.

50) Oops… I meant OVER for dinner.

51) Ask if he ever had pu-tang.

52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

56) Turn your head and whistle.

57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.

58) If you are female, say I don’t do that on the first date.

59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your
thumb, and whine.

60) Ask if you can see his gun.

61) When he says you aren’t allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was
bigger.

62) Stare at the lights and say “Look at the pretty colors!”

63) Tell him you like men in uniform.

64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

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New husband

A lady was married to this brute of a man who always beat and kicked her. On top of all that, when they did have sex, it was no good. So, she decided she was tired of him and got a divorce.A couple days after the divorce finalized she placed an ad in the paper that read: “WANTED. Husband that won’t beat me or kick me. “Good sex a must.” A week or so passed and she finally gets a knock at the door. She goes to answer it only to find a man sitting in a wheel chair. She asks what he wants and he informs her that he will be her new husband. “Well, you don’t have any arms.” she notices. “I can’t beat you then, can I?” he replies. “And you don’t have any legs!” “SO! That only means I can’t kick you.” She pauses for a moment and then asks, “Well what about the sex?” He answers confidently,”How do you think I knocked on the door.”

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Over The Counter

A middle aged man walks into a Wal-Mart and asks where the
pharmacy counter is. After being guided in its direction, he
asks to see the pharmacist. The pharmacist comes out and the
man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, “Do you sell Viagra
here?”

The pharmacist answers firmly, “Yes, sir. We certainly do.”

The man then says, “Do you think I could get it over the
counter?”

The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, “Perhaps
if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might.”

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Ice-fishing Blonde.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary “tools” together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!!”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!”

The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice.

The voice came once more, “FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!”
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “Is that you, Lord?”

The voice replied, “NO you idiot!…this is the Ice-Rink Manager.”

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