Any fake phone number a girl gave you would…

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call
to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to
“I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle,
you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You’d be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you’d worked
for, like “Heywood J’Blowme.”

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of
your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable
excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out
your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your
car like Fred Flintstone.

It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets,
and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public
ugliness” ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be
with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to
go drinking. Mother’s Day, too. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would
remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing cops.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event
in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat
the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as
long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

Faucets would run “Hot,” “Cold,” and “100 proof.”

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

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This guy was getting married and was worried about his
honeymoon, so he went to the sex specialist and told him her his
story and she said “ok, heres what you do, practice bouncing
this quarter on your stomach and when youve got it came see me
in a week”. So he went home and started
practicing,”quarter,quarter,quarter,quarter”.He went back in a
week as instructed and said “Doctor,Doctor!!!!,ive got it!
Quarter,quarter,quarter,quarter”. “DR” “Very good, now i want
to practice doing that and bouncing these 2 dimes on each side
of your hip’s and when youve done that come back in a week”.So
he went home and started to practice, “Quarter dime dime,
quarter dime dime, quarter dime dime,quarter dime dime”. He went
back in a week as instructed and said ” Docter Doctor!!!!! ive
got it!!! “QUarter dime dime,Quarter dime dime,quarter dime
dime, quarter dime dime”. “DR” “Great, now i want you to
practice doing that while bouncing this dollar on your back and
when youve done that come back in a week.( in one week he gets
married).So he goes home and starts practicing “Quarter dime
dime dollar, quarter dime dime dollar, quarter dime dime
dollar,quarter dime dime dollar”. He went back in one week as
instructed and said “Doctor Doctor!!!!!! ive got it! Quarter
dime dime dollar, quarter dime dime dollar,quarter dime dime
dollar,quarter dime dime dollar” “DR” “Excelent! now have a
great time on your honeymoon”. So he got married and its 10:00
pm and he is fucking her like he practiced saying in his head
“”Quarter dime dime Dollar, quarter dime dime dollar,quarter
dime dime dollar.quarter dime dime dollar” His wife
screams”Faster&Harder!” so he does and in his head agian hes
saying “Quarter dime dime Dollar, quarter dime dime
dollar,quarter dime dime dollar.quarter dime dime dollar” Agian
feeling great his wife say’s “Faster&harder!” “MAN” “$1.45!
$1.45! $1.45!

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Posted in sex

The Good Ship Venus

Twas on the good ship Venus,
By Christ you should have seen us!
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast was a raging penis.

The captain’s name was Morgan,
A homosexual gorgan!
Three times a day he used to play
With his erotic organ

The captain’s wife was Mabel
Whenever she was able,
She’d lie prostrate with the second mate
Upon the captain’s table.

The ship’s dogs name was Rover,
The crew they bowled him over.
They screwed that hound around and round
From Adelaide to Dover.

The captain’s eldest daughter
Was swimming in the water.
Delighted squeals revealed that eels
Had found her sexual quarter.

The cabin boy was Pipper,
An artful little nipper.
He stuffed his arse with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper!

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Hairy Situation

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While
the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one
elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, “Driver, I
believe that I was sexually harassed!” The driver didn’t think
much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading
again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his
ear, “Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!” This time, he
knew it had to be taken care of soon.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go
back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what
was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus
floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
“Excuse me, sir, could I help you?!” The elderly man looked up
and said, “Well, sonny, you sure can. I’ve lost my toupee and
I’m trying to find it. I thought I’d located it twice, but they
were parted in the middle, and mine’s parted on the side!”

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How Many Women?

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.”C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?””Baby, ” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.”Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.”Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, 11, 12, 13…..”

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Golf Humor

* A “handicapped golfer” is a man who plays golf with his wife.

* I have a nephew who’s so good at golf, he’s been offered a
full scholarship to medical school.

* Then there was the golfer who was sentenced to be hanged. He
asked the warden if he could take a few practice swings first.

* Just think guys, a golfer can spend the entire weekend with a
bunch of “hookers” and his wife isn’t the least bit concerned.

* Basically, golf has made more liars out of Americans than all
of the income tax forms ever filed.

* Contrary to popular belief avid golfers do not lie all the
time. Anytime one golfer calls another a “liar” they’re probably
telling the truth.

* Some people just have to cheat all the time when it comes to
recording the number of strokes on their golf cards. I knew one
fellow who got a hole-in-one and entered “zero” on his card.

* Although not condoned, it was well known within the Maryland
State Highway that sometimes people would “sneak-away” for a
game of golf during the day. I had forgotten which course my
friend Dan said to meet him on and called, only to have his
secretary said, “I’m sorry he’s away from his desk right now.”
Knowing she’d never admit where he really was, I asked, “Tell
me, is he 10 miles way from his desk or 22 miles away?”

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A boy came home from school one day. His father asked him how his day was and the boy said, “Well Dad, I looked stupid because I did not know the difference between potential and reality.”His dad says, “Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with our next door neighbor for a million dollars.” He came back with a shocked look on his face and said, “Dad, she said, ‘Yes!”.”OK son, now go and ask your sister the same question.”A few minutes later he came back, shocked again. “Dad, she said, ‘Yes!’ also!”His dad told him, “There you go.”His son looked at him, puzzled. “Dad I still don’t understand.””Look son, POTENTIALLY we are multi-millionaires, but in REALITY we are dead broke and living with a couple of whores.”

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