Nookie Green

A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.”

The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.”

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.”

This time the priest asks,”Who is Nookie Green?”

“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies.

“Very well, ” sighs the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Marys.”

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All the men’s eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispered, “Is that Nookie Green?”

The bug-eyed altar boy replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

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Hearing aid

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?”

She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

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Divided By A Common Language

The British speech:
“If you are ferocious in battle, remember to be magnanimous
in victory, we go to liberate, not to conquer.

We are entering Iraq to free a people, and the only flag
that will be flown in that ancient land is their own. Don’t
treat them as refugees, for they are in their own country.
If there are casualties of war, then remember, when they
woke up and got dressed in the morning they did not plan to
die this day. Allow them dignity in death. Bury them
properly and mark their graves. You will be shunned unless
your conduct is of the highest, for your deeds will follow
you down history. Iraq is steeped in history. It is the
site of the Garden of Eden, of the Great Flood and the
birth of Abraham. Tread lightly there.”

The US speech :

“When the president says ‘Go’, look out – it’s hammer time”

(followed by “We Will Rock You” at high volume)

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Husbands Dying Wish

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, “You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.” The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. “Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember,” she says. “I am going to treat you like a king.” She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her…”Honey?” he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband’s dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. “Honey?” he whispers. She rolls over and yells, “Oh sure! You don’t have to get up in the morning!!!”

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Fraternity Prank by Microsoft Backfires

Netscape employees found a gigantic blue stage prop in the shape of an ‘e’ in front of their company’s front door one recent morning. The night before, the same 10-by-12-foot stage prop — which represents the logo for Microsoft’s Internet Explorer, or IE, — was spotted at a Microsoft bash in San Francisco. Netscape had the last laugh in the prank, though. Netscape employees placed a 12-foot foam likeness of their mascot ‘Mozilla’ — a green Godzilla-like creature on top of the ‘e’. Mozilla held a placard that read: Netscape — 72 Microsoft – 18 referring to recent market share data.

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Net Addict

You know you are addicted to the Internet when…

You kiss your girlfriend’s home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster par connection to the net: 28.8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as “Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.

You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”

You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.”

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP…because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

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Country Newlyweds

A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn’t seem to get enough
lovin’. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love,
and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go – both before
and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.
The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the
house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back
again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town’s doctor, about
what to do.

“Easiest thing in the world, Homer” said the doctor. “You take your rifle out
with you every day don’t you? Well, when you feel like you’re in the mood for
some lovin’, just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to
come out to you. That way you won’t lose any working’ time.”

Homer tried his friend’s solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a
while. One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he
noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Didn’t my idea work? Where’s your wife?”

“Oh, it worked,� says Homer. “Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot
like you said, and Beckie’d comes running’. Then we’d find a secluded place and
make love. Then Beckie’d go back home.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain’t seen hide nor hair of Beckie since
hunting season got started…”

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