How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, ‘Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.”Well done Roland,’ says the teacher. ‘Can anyone else try?’Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, ‘My Gran says there’s a bug going round and it’s contagious.”Well done, Katie,’ says the teacher. ‘Anyone else?’Little Johnny jumps up and says, ‘Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.’
The real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. “Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”
The secretary’s reply, “My lawyer!”
There was a red head, a brunette, and a blonde all in an adults only erotic shop.The red head walks up to the counter and tells the man that she would like the red vibrator.He takes it down off the shelf and says “ok that’ll be twenty dollars.” She pays and goes off on her merry way.The brunette walks up to the man and says that she would like the yellow vibrator.He take the yellow one off the shelf and says “ok, miss, that’ll be twenty dollars.”She pays and goes off on her merry way.The blonde walks over to the man blushes and says “yes, sir, I would like the plaid one please.” The man turns around to see the “plaid vibrator” and smiling, says “that’ll be 75 dollars.”The blonde pays and goes off on her merry way.The owner of the store comes in and asks the man how the sales were that day.He replies, “Well, I sold a red and a yellow vibrator for 20 dollars each, and i sold your thermos to some lady for 75 bucks!”submitted by: Emily
Un homme a dit au ringmaster qu’il etait interesse a joindre le cirque comme lion plus docile. Le ringmaster a demande s’il avait n’importe quelle experience que l’homme a dit, “pourquoi, oui. Mon pere etait un des tamers de lion les plus celebres dans le monde, et il m’a enseigne que tout qu’il a su.” “vraiment?” a dit le ringmaster. “il vous a enseigne comment faire un lion sautent par un cercle flamboyant?” “oui il ,” l’homme repondu. “et il vous a enseigne comment faire former six lions une pyramide?” “oui il ,” l’homme repondu. “et ayez-vous jamais coince votre tete dans la bouche d’un lion?” “juste une fois,” l’homme a repondu. Le ringmaster a demande, “pourquoi seulement une fois?” L’homme a dit, “je recherchais mon pere.”
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra
things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam
and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the
ability to stand up while urinating.
“It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple, who he found under an apple
tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.”
Before God had a chance to explain any further, Adam jumped up and blurted,
“Oh, give that to me! I’d love to, please, oh please, oh please, let me have
that ability, It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the
animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It’d be so cool; I could write
my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let
me stand and pee, oh please…” Adam went on and on like an excited little boy
who had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he
should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and
she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection
while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting
down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And
it was good.
“Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, “What’s left
here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms…”
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
“Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “whenever the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.”
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.”
“When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”
“No problem,” he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. “She’s got a great body,” he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, “All right, thats enough, I’ll do the fucking dishes!”
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis, yisman and Calamjo
A car drives up to a farmer’s house, a man gets out, knocks on the door, and the farmer opens it. “A friend told me you have a mule that points quail”, said the stranger, “is that true”?? “Sure is”, said the farmer, “would you like to see him work?” The strangers said, “Sure”. Soon they were walking through a field, when the mule suddenly stopped and struck a beautiful point. The farmer walks ahead of the mule and scares up a big covey of quail. This goes on a half dozen more times…the mule points…the farmer scares up the covey. Finally, the stranger says, “That’s enough, I’ve got to have that mule”. “He ain’t for sale”, said the farmer. I’ll give you $50,000.00 for him”, said the stranger. Well, the farmer couldn’t refuse such a big offer, so he sold him. The next night, the farmer’s phone rang…it was the stranger. “What the hell’s wrong with this damed mule you sold me?”, he screamed…”all he’s done all day is stand belly deep in my pond”!! “Well”, said the farmer, “I guess I should’a told you……he’d rather fish than hunt.”
These translations are for all women out there:
“IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
“TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”
“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop,’ the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned… but I forgot your birthday.”
“OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”
“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.”
Translated: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”
“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”
“WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.”
Translated: “I make the messes; she cleans them up.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis