White Collar Crime

A newly convicted man was nervous his first day in prison because his cellmate looked like a tough customer. “Don’t worry,” the gruff fellow said, “I’m in for a white-collar crime.””Is that right?” the new con asked, relieved.”Yeah,” said the prisoner. “I killed a priest.”

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Potatoes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to rob a bank one day. After doing this the cops were right on their tails. The redhead sees a boat and says to the others ” hey lets hop in this boat and go to that island out there!” The others agree.
When they reach the island they see the cops doing the same and heading for the island. The blonde sees some crates and gets in one. The other do the same. The cops reach the island and go up to the crates. they knock on the first which was were the brunette was “woof woof” says the brunette. just a dog say the cops. they move on. the second contained the redhead when they knock they hear “meow meow”. just a cat say the cops. they move on. the third of coarse contained the blonde. they knock and the blonde shouts POTATOES!!!!!!

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Out the window

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, “You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.”

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, “Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy”.

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, “Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, “I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy.”

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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all boasting to each other about
presents they have bought their wives for their birthdays.

The Englishman says “I’ve bought my wife a 24-carot gold ring and a
glove”.

“Why have you got her a glove?” the other two ask.

“Because when she wears the ring in public, I want her to wear the glove
so no-one can nick it off her finger” he replies.

The Scotsman is not impressed and proudly braggs “I’ve got my wife a
diamond necklace and a scarf”.
The other two, slightly confused, ask “What’s the scarf for?”
“So that when she wears it in crowded places, she can put the scarf around
her neck to prevent it being snatched” the Scotsman replies.

The Englishman and Scotsman, both feeling proud at their gifts, were keen
to hear
what the Irishman had bought his wife and invited him to tell them.
“Well, I got her a pair of shoes and a vibrator” he says.

The others, slightly taken aback, ask him why he bought the vibrator, to
which he
replies “Cos if she doesn’t like the shoes she can go screw herself!”

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Doctors Daiquiri

A Doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the Doctors drink waiting for him at precisely 5:03 PM.

One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The Doctor came in and took a sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”

“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender…
“It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”

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