Un d�a, una hermosa princesa

Un d�a, una hermosa princesa paseaba tranquilamente cerca de un estanque donde se encontr� una rana que al ver a la princesa comenz� a decirle:

“�Oh, hermosa doncella, b�same y me convertir� en un pr�ncipe muy guapo! Ser�s mi novia. Nos casaremos en una hermosa ceremonia en mi castillo donde podr�s vivir conmigo y con mi madre. Cocinar�s para nosotros y lavar�s nuestra ropa, atender�s mis encargos y mantendr�s caliente mi cama por las noches. Arrullar�s a mis hijos y los levantar�s cada ma�ana para atenderlos. Te reir�s de mis chistes y me soportar�s cuando est� de mal humor. Nunca te quejar�s y siempre estar�s agradecida que te haya hecho mi esposa”.

Y aquella noche de estrellas… �La princesa cen� ancas de rana!

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Una mujer que se encuentra

Una mujer que se encuentra en la cama con su amante, advierte que su esposo est� llegando y r�pidamente mete al gal�n bajo la cama.

“Hola, amor ya llegu�”, saluda el marido.

“Estoy cansada. Vamos a dormir”, dice la mujer, coloc�ndose en la parte de la cama que tiene un agujero en el colch�n.

Aprovechando el orificio, el amante mete el miembro hasta acerc�rselo a la mujer.

“�Ah, ah!”, grita la mujer excitada.

“�Qu� pasa, amor?”, pregunta intrigado el consorte.

“Nada, es el fr�o”.

Despu�s de unos minutos, nuevamente la mujer grita:

“�Ah, ah!”

“�Qu� pasa, amor?”, pregunta nuevamente el marido.

“Nada, es el fr�o”.

“Creo que mejor me cambio a tu lado, amor”, sugiere el tipo.

El amante, sin saber nada de lo ocurrido, repite la acci�n.

“Ah, ah, este fr�o si que parte el culo!”, grita el esposo.

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Fucker

fat f OUR legal system defines to a sizable deegre what we Who work at a business can and cannot do. But it is also Trure that the customs more and values of our culture Play a part . The joing of these factores in uck

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Top Ten things Men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits

7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

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The Top 13 Changes at Microsoft as a Result of Antitrust Charges

13. Microsoft offices no longer providing toilet paper bearing Netscape logo.

12. Follow-up release to “IE4” now being referred to internally as “IE5-10, with time off for good behavior.”

11. Must say “pretty please with jam on top” before devouring competitors.

10. Cancellation of planned “You’ll think what we TELL you to think!” ad campaign.

9. Company United Way contributions redirected towards the “Let’s Buy The US Government” fund.

8. Plans to begin marketing MSFood, MSClothing and MSShelter quietly tabled.

7. 10:00 AM: Barksdale visits Gates’s office to sign landmark settlement agreement. 10:05 AM: Piranhas beneath trap door get some lunch.

6. “I don’t break for software companies” bumper stickers removed from corporate limousines.

5. Internal memos no longer refer to Janet Reno as “liquor addled she-male.”

4. Kick back for a while, let loser companies catch up.

3. Now relegated to making large piles of cash, down from huge buttwads of cash.

2. Using honesty, humility and cooperation, allow one small competitor to show a modest profit for three straight quarters. Then when they’re lulled, club ’em to death like a baby seal.

1. Tables turned in jail, where Bill Gates has no choice but to have “Big Louie’s Inmate Explorer” installed against *his* will.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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Two boys

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a
bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the
nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. The
bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for
you.” He knew what it was. “Oh, my goodness!” he shuddered, “It’s Satan and
St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!”

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
� Come quick!” he said, “You won’t believe what I heard. Satan and St.Peter
are down at the cemetery dividing the souls.” The old man said, “Shoo, you brat!
Can’t you see I’m finding it hard to walk as it is!”

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, “One for you,
one for me. One for you, one…” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve
been telling’ the truth! Let’s see if we can see the Devil himself.”
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see
anything, but they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And
one last one for you. That’s all. Let’s go get those nuts by the
fence, and we’ll be done.”

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

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Guide To Walking Tigers

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who’s used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.

What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger’s neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you’re sure you’ve got it right.

Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger’s mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn’t a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.

This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you’re standing next to one.

Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.

It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.

It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don’t get taken for walks.

They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn’t put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.

All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.

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Bowling for Blondes!

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The Brunette asks, “What the heck’s goin’ on up here? We’re havin’ a grand time downstairs!”

One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says…
“Yeah, but you’ve got a driver!”

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Blonde in a Double Decker Bus

A blonde, a red head and a brunette board a double-decker bus. There are two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top of the bus available when they board.They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss.A couple of hours later it’s the red head’s turn so she walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She’s clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.”What’s wrong?” the red head asks. “We’re havin’ a grand old time down below.”The blonde replies, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver.”

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GirlFriend 5.0

Last year, I upgraded my GirlFriend 5.0 to GirlFriend 5.1, which installs
itself as ‘Fiancee 1.0’. Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it’s a
real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running
before I can do ANYTHING. It is also spawning Child Processes which are further
consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash
2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all. Additional
plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is
no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was
discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported
similar problems. Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid
the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend
5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, as all
traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting
installation of 6.0. Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks
(usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep)
to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently
has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in the
upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release:
* A ‘Don’t remind me again’ button
* Minimize button
* Shutdown feature
* An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled
if necessary (so you don’t lose cache and other objects) .
Unfortunately, since I’ve already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don’t think I will
be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to
include them in the next Mistress release. But, of course, there is a whole raft
of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same
system — most notably are system conflicts and continual disk thrashing, which
starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0. Interestingly enough, all
versions of PersonalLawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently deletes
all MSMoney files before uninstalling itself; following that, Mistress 1.1 will
refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. I personally find all these
new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I’m sticking
with Dog 1.0k9. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all these bugs
are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine.

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Population Control

A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath. He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby. About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked the man why he hadn’t worn the sheath.The interpreter said, “He swears he did wear it. He never took it off.”The doctor shook his head. “In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife is pregnant again?””He says,” said the interpreter, “that after six days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end off.”

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