Why it’s great to be a man!

Reasons why it’s great to be a man:

Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don’t give a crap if no one notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
Same work … more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with “So, notice anything different?”
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat!
You know stuff about tanks.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don’t rob you blind.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me.”
No maxi-pads.
You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don’t have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

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I Need a Drink

Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.
He looks her up and down and says, “Well sure, but it doesn’t appear by the your appearance that you’ll be able to pay for it.”

The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what she’s got, “Will this do?” she asks.

The barkeep takes a look and responds, “Ya got anything smaller?”

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Dubya & Moses' F

George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn’t seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, “I am George W. Bush, the President of the US of A, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn’t you greet me?”Moses replied, “The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 days!”

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A man died

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he
passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a
lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

“That’s unfair !” he cried. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer
gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”

“Shut up!” barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. “Who are you to
question that woman’s punishment?”

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I Had a Dream

Saddam Hussein phoned President Bush and said, “George, I called you because I
had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was
beautiful and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner.”
Bush asked, “What was on the banner?”

Saddam responded, “It said Allah is God, and God is Allah.”

Bush said, “You know, Saddam, I’m really glad you called, because last night I
had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than
before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was
also a beautiful banner.”

Saddam said, “What was on the banner?”

Bush replied, “I really don’t know. I don’t read Hebrew.”

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Gynecologist Painter

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.
When he arrived, they didn’t have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, “Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?”

He said, “Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I’ll be damned if that gynecologist didn’t stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!”

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He’s Gonna Jump!

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.

Brunette: I bet you $20 he’s going to jump.

Blonde: OK. (Back to newscast : He jumped!)

Blonde: OK. I lost. Here’s my $20 to you.

Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can’t take it.

Blonde: I insist. I lost.

Brunette: I have a confession to make.I saw the same thing on the 6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn’t really a good bet.

Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn’t think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!

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Fun Things to do in an Elevator

– To a man, say “Joe, how have you been?”, and carry on a
conversation with him like you’ve known him forever.

– Introduce yourself as Ochenga-Wangaa The great chief and begin
telling stories of your native island.

– Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

– Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

– Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
“Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!”

– Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World”
incessantly.

– On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of
the elevator.

– Shave.

– Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask: “Got enough air in there?”

– Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
yours upside-down.

– Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.

– When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

– Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.

– On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go
“plink” at the bottom.

– Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”

– When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh,
not now, damn motion sickness!”

– Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

– Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”

– Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

– Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing
buttons.

– Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.

– Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

– Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re
one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

– Leave a box between the doors.

– Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for
them.

– Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers
“through” it.

– Start a sing-along.

– When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your
beeper?”

– Play the harmonica.

– Shadow box.

– Say “Ding!” at each floor.

– Lean against the button panel.

– Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.

– Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

– Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”

– Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host
body.”

– Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

– Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

– Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”

– If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”

– Before you push a button, stare at it and say: OK, Raymond…
LetBs go!

– Draw a chalk outline of a person on the floor. When the other
passengers enter, say, “Poor Danny, he was my best friend.”

– Say, “See? That’s the noise it made just before it fell last
time!”

– Push all the buttons when people get on and say you can’t
decide which floor to go on.

– While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper,”hide
it…quick!” then whistle innocently.

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Ode to Spell Checkers

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That’s why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

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