Adam & Eve

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.” Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I’d be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please………” On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was…well, good. “Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. “What’s left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms…”

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The balcony

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ”Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge.

The usher became impatient. ”Sir,” the usher said, ”if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly. ”All right buddy, what’s your name?”

”Sam,” the man moaned.

”Where ya from, Sam?” the cop asked.

”The balcony!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

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Bonifacio en el consultorio de

Bonifacio en el consultorio de un m�dico:

“Doctor, cuando yo duermo, ronco mucho y muy fuertemente”.

“�Le molesta mucho?”

“No, a m� no”.

“�Le molesta a su esposa?”

“No, ella duerme que ni un ca��n la despierta”.

“�Les molesta a los vecinos?”

“Yo no tengo vecinos”.

“Entonces, �cu�l es el problema?”

“Es que por eso me han botado cinco veces del trabajo”.

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On a winter day two ministers were driving…

On a winter day two ministers were driving down a road when they slid on a
patch of ice, hit a telephone pole and died.

They went to heaven but when they got to the pearly gates St. Peter told
them their heavenly condos were not ready yet. The two would have to spend a
little more time on earth. To make up for the Inconvenience, they would be
able to choose what they wanted to go back as.

The first declared that he wanted to go back as an eagle flying over
the grand canyon. The second declared that he wanted to be a “cool stud”.

A few months later, the heavenly condos were ready. St. Peter asked
an assistant to go retrieve the two.

The servant protested “But how will I find them?”

“That’s easy.” said St. Peter, “One of them is an eagle, and you will find him
flying over the Grand Canyon. The other is a snow tire in Detroit.”

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Talking clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.”What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.”That is the talking clock,” the man replied.”How’s it work?” the friend asked.”Watch,” the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “KNOCK IT OFF ASSHOLE! It’s two AM!”

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’twas the night before impeachment

[surprisingly bi-partisan]’TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPEACHMENTDecember 17, 1998’Twas The Night Before Impeachment, When all through the House, All Congress was stirring, Even Conyers, the louse. The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care, In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair. The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds, While visions of perjury danced in their heads. And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap, Had just settled in for a long evening’s nap.When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter. When what to their wondering eyes should appear But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer. With a Presidential address, so lively and quick, They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:’Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let’s forget The Vixen!On Barney! On Maxine! I’m no Richard Nixon!!!’ ‘From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall, Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!’And then the Republicans heard on the roofThe prancing and pawing of each little hoof. They scratched their heads and were turning around When resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound. No longer would he eat from his humble pie, While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky. A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq, It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!His cheeks were like roses, His nose like a cherry. His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the hair on his head was as white as the snow. The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth, And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a little round belly That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.He was chubby and plump – a right jolly old elf, And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves. And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head Soon gave them to know they had something to dread. He spoke the right words and went straight to his work Hard to believe Mon had called him ‘The Jerk.’And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose, By ‘Wagging The Dog,’ up the polls he rose. He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle, Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile. They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight, ‘Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night.’

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