Panda eating

There once was a panda in a bar, the manager seated him. Then a waiter took his order:a steak and a root beer. Once he finished his meal he thanked, paid, and tipped the waiter. Then from the depths of his fur he took out a gun. He shot the waiter. The manager rushed over and asked ” why did you shoot my employee?” The panda said,”don’t you know who I am?” “yes,” the manager replied.”then when you get home look me up in the dictionary.When the manager got home he found panda. PANDA:, a bear native from China:,eats shoots, and leaves

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HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET

MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET

WOMEN – A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.

2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.

3. Melts if given special treatment.

4. Bitter if incorrectly used.

5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.

6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.

4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.

5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

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Dog in the park

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.The lady was amazed. “How did you do that?” she asked.The little boy said, “That’s my dog! He can dish it out, but he can’t take it!”

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Things Found Only In

1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’. 10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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Women Drivers

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver
cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to
drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm
out his window and flipped the woman off.

“Man, that guy is stupid!” I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that’s 96 miles
each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you
just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass
something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.

That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be
982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I
figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass
every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s
18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day
of their period. That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s
98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females
carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest
problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having
the worst day of her period, and is armed.

Flip one off?

…..I think not.

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On a store front in

On a store front in Florida: “Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!” A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: “Smile, You’re on Radar!” Seen in a State Park in California: “Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it’s wet, it’s raining. If it’s moving, it’s windy. If you can’t see it, it’s foggy. If rock is gone, it’s a tornado.”Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

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Fun things to do on the first day of class

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, “Quite right, old bean!” 2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector. 3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points. 4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook. 5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond “that’s my name, don’t wear it out!” 6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute”. 7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow. 8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder. 9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

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A conversation

Husband: I hear that fish is good for our brain.
Wife: You had better eat a whale.
Anne: “How long can a person live without brains?”
Billy: “I don’t know. How old are you?”
Father: Don’t you think our son gets all his brains from me?
Mother: Probably. I still have all mine.
Dan: She’s a bright girl…she has brains enough for two.
Jim: Then she’s just the girl for you.

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The Top 12 Rejected PETA Slogans

12. We Screw Up More Medical Research Before 9am Than Most People Do All Day

11. We Have More Overzealous Celebrities than the NRA!

10. I’d rather wear nothing, except maybe Versace leather pants.

9. “Don’t mistreat animals.” Now watch me say that naked.

8. Knuckle sandwiches: The only meat *you’ll* be eating, pal.

7. One Mink, Two Mink, Red Mink, Blue Mink

6. We Got Your McNuggets Right Here!

5. A Vegetable Killed Our Pa

4. Come For The Animals, STAY For The Supermodels!

3. You’re Just Lucky We’re Weak from Malnutrition, Chester!

2. Them Lil’ Smokies is Great!

1. Animals: don’t look at ’em, don’t touch ’em, don’t eat ’em, and for God’s sake, keep ’em the Hell away from your genitalia!

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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