Death in the Family!

A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying.
“What happened…why are you crying?”

The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.

The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.

The next day the neighbor goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.

Once again, she asks her why she was crying?

This time the blonde replies hysterically…
“I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!

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The Trouble with English, a short poem

Dearest creature in creation,Study English pronunciation.I will teach you in my verseSounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.I will keep you, Suzy, busy,Make your head with heat grow dizzy.Tear in eye, your dress will tear.So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.Just compare heart, beard, and heard,Dies and diet, lord and word,Sword and sward, retain and Britain.(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)Now I surely will not plague youWith such words as plaque and ague.But be careful how you speak:Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;Cloven, oven, how and low,Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.Hear me say, devoid of trickery,Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,Exiles, similes, and reviles;Scholar, vicar, and cigar,Solar, mica, war and far;One, anemone, Balmoral,Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;Gertrude, German, wind and mind,Scene, Melpomene, mankind.Billet does not rhyme with ballet,Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.Blood and flood are not like food,Nor is mould like should and would.Viscous, viscount, load and broad,Toward, to forward, to reward.And your pronunciation’s OKWhen you correctly say croquet,Rounded, wounded, grieve and sleeve,Friend and fiend, alive and live.Ivy, privy, famous; clamourAnd enamour rhyme with hammer.River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,Doll and roll and some and home.Stranger does not rhyme with anger,Neither does devour with clangour.Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,And then singer, ginger, linger,Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.Query does not rhyme with very,Nor does fury sound like bury.Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.Though the differences seem little,We say actual but victual.Refer does not rhyme with deafer.Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.Mint, pint, senate and sedate;Dull, bull, and George ate late.Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,Science, conscience, scientific.Liberty, library, heave and heaven,Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.We say hallowed, but allowed,People, leopard, towed, but vowed.Mark the differences, moreover,Between mover, cover, clover;Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,Chalice, but police and lice;Camel, constable, unstable,Principle, disciple, label.Petal, panel, and canal,Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,Senator, spectator, mayor.Tour, but our and succour, four.Gas, alas, and Arkansas.Sea, idea, Korea, area,Psalm, Maria, but malaria.Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.Doctrine, turpentine, marine.Compare alien with Italian,Dandelion and battalion.Sally with ally, yea, ye,Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.Say aver, but ever, fever,Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.Heron, granary, canary.Crevice and device and aerie.Face, but preface, not efface.Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.Large, but target, gin, give, verging,Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.Ear, but earn and wear and tearDo not rhyme with here but ere.Seven is right, but so is even,Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.Pronunciation — think of Psyche!Is a paling stout and spikey?Won’t it make you lose your wits,Writing groats and saying grits?It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,Islington and Isle of Wight,Housewife, verdict and indict.Finally, which rhymes with enough –Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?Hiccough has the sound of cup.My advice is to give up!!!Author: G. Nolst Trenite

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Stoning For Adultery

A woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!”
one of the crowd responded.

“Wait,” yelled Jesus, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky and knocked the woman on the
side of her head.

“Aw, C’mon, Dad…,” Jesus cried, “I’m trying to make a point here!”

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My Dog Sex…

My Dog Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Spot”, or “Blackie”, or “Fido”.
I call mine Sexton. Over the years that got shortened to “Sex”. Now Sex
has been very embarassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his
license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said he’d like one
too. Then I said this is for a dog, and he said he didn’t care what she
looked like. Then I said you don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was
nine years old. He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married
and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me, and when I checked
into my hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a
special room for Sex. He said every room was a special room for Sex.
I said you don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night, and he said
me too.

One day I entered a contest, but before the contest began the dog ran
away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking
around, and I told him I was planning to have Sex in the contest. He
told me I should have sold tickets. I said you don’t undersand, I had
hopes of having Sex on TV. He called me a showoff.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog, and I said your honor, I had Sex before I was married, and the
judge said me too. Then I told him after I got married Sex left me, and he
said me too. Last night Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking for him.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at four o’clock
in the morning. I told him I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up next Friday.

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New Truck, Old Dog

Michigan, USA.

Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately gets ahold of his friend and they go do some male bonding. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it’s all ice and in order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse.

Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice all to the woes of the 2 idiots yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now. The dog, well it is happy and heads back from where it came from moments before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the 2 bozo’s now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new heights than ever before.

Now one of the guys decides to think, something that he has never done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. Dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane and takes off to find covep, with the now really short short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.

The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice. BOOM ! Dog dies, and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the 2 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this “I can’t believe this happened” look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.

He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments.

I felt pretty sorry for the dog myself.

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Speech Problem

This story is about a man with a speech problem.

One day a man called Greg went into a bakery “hi, could I
please have a bum”, the baker looked shocked but after a few
seconds he handed over a bun.

A while after Greg went into a hardware store “hi, could I
please hve a fuckit” said Greg “a what” replied the worker “a
fukit” the worker then new what Greg meant and got a buckit.

Greg then went to a pet store and asked for a cockinspankit the
owner instantly falling into shock was about to ask Greg to
leave but then walked up to a dog he said “do you mean a
cokinspanle” “yes” replied Greg.

Later on the way home Greg took the dog for a walk. Greg
accindently let go of the dog and ran up to another man “could
you please hold my bum and fuckit while I go get my
cockinspankit”.

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The Power of a good name

A guy named Penis von Lesbian came from Austria to America to become an actor. He went to lots of auditions, but never got a job. Finally one director took him aside and said, ‘Son, the only reason we’re turning you away is your name. If you want to make it in this town, you gotta change the name!’But Penis von Lesbian said: ‘I can’t do that! This is my name!’The director said: ‘Suit yourself!’ and went on his way.Years and years later, their paths crossed again. The director said, ‘I remember you! You’re Penis von Lesbian! Did you ever get around to changing your name?’ The actor said, ‘Yes, and it helped! Now I go by Dick Van Dyke.’

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Truck Driver Retirement

A truck driver was interveiwed after 40 years of truck driving
and his retirement party. They asked him one question that
really made him think.

“So, sir, after 40 years of being a truck driver, what is one
thing you have learned?”

The man took a deep breath and let it out and he sighed.
Finally, he replied.

“You learn a lot on the road. But what really struck me is one
thing. When you are driving on a routine 10 hour drive, you
realize, down the road somewhere is a truck, the same as yours,
the same size weight, and carrying the same load of
supplies—going the other way.”

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