Lights left on

Abe, an old penny-pincher, is dying.

On his deathbed, he looks up and asks, “Is my wife here?”

“Yes, dear,” she replies. “I’m right next to you.”

“Are my children here?” Abe then asks.

“Yes, Daddy, we’re all here,” one of his kids answers.

“Are the rest of my relatives here?” Abe inquires.

“Yes, we’re all here,” one says.

Abe sits up and yells, “Then why the hell is the light on in the kitchen!?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

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Sho Is a Wonder

One day Rastus and Liza Jane were sitting at the bus stop when Rastus ups and asks, “Liza Jane can I’s look up your dress before the bus gets here?”

Liza Jane was startled and said, “No Rastus you cain’t!”

Well Rastus persisted and persisted till finally Liza Jane said, “Alright if’n it will shut you up you can.”

So Rastus looks up her dress and sees that see has no panties on to which he exclaims, “Sho is a wonder!”

Well the bus shows up and they gets on.

Next day, Rastus and Liza Jane are sitting there again when Rastus ups and asks her, “Liza Jane, can I look up your dress again?” Well Liza Jane at first refused, but as the day before she then gave in. So Rastus looks up there and seeing no panties he exclaims, again, “Sho is a wonder!”

Well this goes on for a few days when on the last day that Liza Jane would permit Rastus to look up her dress she tells him, “Rastus you can look up my dress but you have to tell me one thing?”

Rastus replies, “What’s that?”

“Every time you look up my dress you says, “Sho is a wonder. Sho is a wonder what?”

To which Rastus replies, “Sho is a wonder your guts don’t fall out!!”

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This joke is bad taste, you have been warned.Three vampires walk into a bar on a cold winter night. They all three sit at the bar and the bartender asks the first vampire “What can I getcha?” The 1st vampire says “I’ll have a beer, please” So, the bartender gets him a beer. The bartender asks the 2nd vampire “What would you like?” The vampire replies “A beer please.” So, the bartender gets him a beer. The bartender then asks the 3rd and last vampire “Sir, what can I get you?” and the 3rd vampire replies “A cup of hot water please.” The bartender obliges and asks the vampire, “What are you gonna do with that hot water?” The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and dips it into his hot water and says “Hot tea, it’s chilly out!”

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The Undertaker

There were two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.

Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

“I’m an undertaker,” responded the friend.

“That doesn’t sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement.”

“There is plenty of excitement in this racket,” said his friend. “Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn’t want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat…..You want to talk about excitement! I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!”

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Baptizing the Drunk!

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher, I sure am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
“Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
“Nooo, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“Noooo, I have not, Reverend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher…
“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

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Rectum Stretcher

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed “I can’t break this! I need exact change.”

“Come on buddy.” Jack pleaded, “Can’t you give me a break, just this once?”
“Nope. Sorry. Exact change!” Answered the collector.

“While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, “Do you really like this job?”

“Well it’s not the best job that I’ve ever had, but it pays the bills,” replied the collector. “what do you do for a living?” he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”

“A what?” asked the collector.
“A rectum stretcher.” Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

“What does a rectum stretcher do?” The collector asked.
“Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums.” Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

“Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?” The collector asked.
“Oh you’d be surprised. It’s real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It’s the new trend.” Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, “Well if you don’t mind me asking, I mean if it’s not too personal, how big do you, well you know…?”

“…How big do I stretch them?” Jack interupted. “Most of them, not too big,” He continued, “but I have stretched some up to six feet.”

“SIX FEET!” The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. “Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?”

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, “Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls.”

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Entra un turista a una

Entra un turista a una farmacia en Brasil y le dice al farmac�utico:

“Deme una aspirina, por favor…”

El negro saca una aspirina enorme, del tama�o de un plato y se la envuelve. El tipo, confundido le pregunta:

“�No tiene una aspirina m�s chiquita? �Una de tama�o normal?”

Y el negro le responde: “�En Brasil fabricamos as aspiri�as mais grandes du mundu!”

El tipo, asombrado, acepta la enorme aspirina y dice:

“Deme un tubo de pasta dent�frica, por favor.”

El negro saca un tubo del tama�o de un termo y le dice: “�En Brasil fabricamos o tubo do pasta dent�frica m�is grande du mundu! �Voc� gusta algo m�is?”

El tipo lo piensa un poco y le responde:

“No, gracias negro, los supositorios los compro de regreso a mi pa�s.”

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