Insults 8

Someday you’ll go far, if you catch the right train.

Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for you and
said, ‘oh yes she is.’

Someone took a photo of you once but it didn’t turn out. You could be
seen too clearly.

Take a vacation, go to Club Dead.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

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The Third Rose

Seems there was this woman who was troubled with overly big pussy lips. It
got to the point where they caused her great discomfort, even to walk.
Finally she decided to see her doctor about her situation. She described
her problem to him and asked if there was any kind of surgery he could
perform to make her back to normal. After assurring her that he could fix
the problem, she made him promise that this woould never get out and
no-one would know about it. “Don’t worry,” he said, “this is all
confidential.”

She had the surgery and when she awoke in her hospital room, she noticed
three beautiful red roses on her nightstand. Just then the doctor came in
the room to see how she was feeling. He told her that everything went well
and she should be able to go home the next day. “Thanks doc,” she said, “I
feel better already. By the way, do you know who the roses are from?”
“Well,” he said, “One is from me. That is something I do for all my
patients. The other one is from my wife.” “I thought you were going to
keep this confidential.” she said. “That’s ok,” the doctor told her, “I
talk to my wife about all my surgeries and she sends a rose to cheer up
the patient.” “Well, I guess that’s ok too, but what about the third rose,
who is that one from?” “Oh,” he said, “that’s from a guy on the fourth
floor burn unit, that’s his way of thanking you for his new ears.”

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Men captured by Indians

Three guys are captured by Indians. Before they’re to be skinned
to make canoes the Indians will grant them one last request. The
first guy asks for a T-Bone steak. So they get him a T-Bone
steak, skin him, and make him into a canoe.
They come to the second guy. He asks to watch a football
game. They arrange for him to watch a football game, skin him,
and make him into a canoe.
They come to the third guy and he asks for a fork. The
Indians think hes retarded or something but they finally give
him a fork. They ask him what he’s gonna do with it. He
immediatley starts stabbing himself, screaming, “You’re not
gonna make a canoe out of ME!!”.

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First Day at School

It was the first day of 3rd grade, and a new school for Johnny. As a test, the teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 and 40 with just a few mistakes.

Others couldn’t get past 20.

Johnny, however, did extremely well. He counted past 50, right up to 83. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Arkansas, son.”

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. Most made it about half way through without much trouble. Some made it to M and N, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet right to W.

That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “Son, that’s because you are from Arkansas.”

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly well endowed. This confused him. That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Arkansas?” he asked.

“No, son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”

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Breasts Too Small

A girl is complaining about the size of her breasts to her girl friend. She said, “I know I many be shallow, but they’re so small. I just can’t stand them!”

Her girl friend replied, “Look, don’t get an operation or anything like that. I had the same problem and I went to Dr. Michaels and he helped me a lot. Make an appointment.”

“You do look good. OK, I’ll do it.”

She makes the appointment and after the examination Dr. Michaels said, “Look all you need is an exercise program and the improvement will be amazing. Here’s what you do. Stick your chest out and bring it back in. Do that for ten minutes every day. And to help you with the rhythm, do it in time with this poem, Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow. If I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She did her exercise faithfully everyday, until one day when she forgot. She was on the bus going to work when she remembered that she hadn’t done them that morning. She looked around, and very gently stuck her chest out and back and quietly said, Mary had a little lamb his fleece was white as snow. if I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She was startled when a fellow came up and said, “Hey, you go to Dr. Michaels, don’t you?”

“Why yes,” she said, “but how did you know that?”

He stood up and began gyrating his hips while reciting, Hickory dickory dock…….

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Hilarious Signs

Over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.” On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.” Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.” Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.” In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “We can help you pick your nose!” On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.” In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.” On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.” At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

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The prayer said before finals

Now I Lay MeDown to Study,I Pray the Lord IWon’t Go Nutty.If I Should Fail toLearn this Junk,I Pray the Lord I Will Not Flunk.But If I Do, Don’t Pity Me at All,Just Lay My Bones In the Study Hall.Tell My Prof I Did My Best,Then Pile MyBooks upon My Chest.Now I Lay MeDown to Rest,And Pray I’ll PassTomorrow’s Test.If I Should Die Before I Wake,That’s One less Test I’ll Have to Take.

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What Are They Thinking

At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?The answer is below, but think about it first…?????????????????????????????????Answer: Don’t look down.

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