Top Jokes

10 signs your an Internet geek

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

Joke Tags  Computer

A man went to a brain store...

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

Joke Tags  Lawyer

How lawyers do it...

How lawyers do it...

Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

Joke Tags  Lawyer

The devil visited a lawyer

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

Joke Tags  Lawyer Fee

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send a bill for such advice" replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill. That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.

Joke Tags  Lawyer

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it," the attorney said.

Joke Tags  Lawyer Fee

An old man was on his death bed

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Joke Tags  Lawyer

At the United Way in a fairly small town...

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

Joke Tags  Lawyer

DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father’s activities and be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.

Joke Tags  Lawyer Fee

Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?

Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?

An ambulance stopped suddenly.

Joke Tags  Lawyer

Personal injury attorneys to change a light bulb

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Joke Tags  Lawyer

My lawyer is too interested in making money

"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."

"Why do you say that?"

"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'."

Joke Tags  Lawyer

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go -- and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

Joke Tags  Lawyer

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!"

The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It’s my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That’s not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I’ll take the meat."

Joke Tags  Animals, Lawyer

You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

Joke Tags  Lawyer

What do pirates practice shooting at?

What do pirates practice shooting at?

Tarrrrrgets!

Joke Tags  Pirate

What does a pirate call his Mother?

What does a pirate call his Mother?

MotheARRRRrrrrggghhh!

Joke Tags  Pirate

Try to grow chickens

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

Joke Tags  Farmers

Mother-in-law killed

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

Joke Tags  Farmers

Wife isn't in the car

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Joke Tags  Farmers

I flattened your cat

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could youdescribe him? What does he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him?"

At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"

Joke Tags  Farmers

The Pope and Hillary Clinton

The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Being no stranger to the campaign trail, Hillary has seen it all before. To make things a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

The pope indicates that he doesn't doubt it, but Hillary decides to demonstrate anyhow. Sure enough, the wave elicits cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, wanting to abate her arrogance, decides on a course of action. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can get a much more dramatic reaction? This will not be a momentary display like that of your supporters, but rather something that will bring joy deep into the heart of millions. People will speak of this day for years and rejoice every time they think about it."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and people around the world will rejoice for years? Show me."
...
...
...
So the Pope slapped her.

Joke Tags  Work, Religious, Political

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

Joke Tags  Holiday

Camel Questions

The little camel went to his mother and asked, "Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes?"
She looked on him lovingly and replied, "You see, my son, when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to blowing and there's sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on one another so that we don't get lost."

"Oh!" he said. "And why do we have such huge feet?

"Well," she said, "they allow us to walk easily in the dessert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes."

"Wow," he said, "great equipment. What the heck is this stuff on our backs for?"

"You see," his mother informed, "we can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times. But why do you ask me all these obvious questions?"

"Well, mother," said the young camel, "I was just wondering, if we've got all of this great stuff, what are we doing in the zoo?"

Joke Tags  Animals

A snake's new glasses

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days".
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Joke Tags  Animals